Speaker 1So I was thinking about what next episode to do and I love thinking about how crazy my brain is. I love making reels about it. I love talking about it. I fundamentally believe that my brain is just different than the non-alcoholic, non-addict, the person that does not suffer from alcoholism. Alcoholism is a disease of perception. I'm unable to see perspectives. I only have my perception, my perspective, and I'm unable to see it from any other lens. Meaning I'm the center. Everyone else is just around me. Now it's a lot like narcissism and people don't like hearing this, but hear me out. This is my experience. Okay. Most people that I've met in recovery are similar and think along the same lines that I do. Alcoholism is very close to narcissism because it is a disease of self. It is a disease of more. It is a disease of perception. I'm stuck in a fear lens. I am stuck in a pity resentment lens. And so when I think about I'm an addict who suffers from alcoholism, I think alcoholism is something that a lot of people suffer with and don't even know it. People that cultivate money and property and maybe aren't addicted to things, but they're addicted to the material success, material things in life to worship things. I think I'm not alone in this, but again, this is only my experience. So today I want to talk about the 10 weird things my alcoholic brain does in recovery. I want to talk about the weird things that my brain does that I love talking about. And if you can relate to this, let me know in the comments below, but I think I'm not alone in this. My brain does some weird shit. I was always taught first thought wrong. I have a lot of weird first thoughts. I have no control over my thoughts. I do, however, have control over my actions and my second and third thoughts. So without further ado, I want to talk about why my brain is different than everybody else's and maybe you can relate. Welcome back or welcome to recovering out loud podcast. My name is Anthony. I'm an alcoholic and addict in recovery, been in recovery since 2015, had a relapse at about seven and a half years. I am back today, one and a half years sober again. Please follow the podcast if you're not. I love you. Thank you. Glad you're here. So number one, have arguments in my head with people, strangers, mostly. Does anyone else do this? Somebody is, I get off the elevator. Okay. I'll give you an example. I get off the elevator and buddy is standing. This happens a lot in my building. Buddy is standing right at the doors of the elevator as if nobody is ever going to come off the elevator. And he is the only one coming onto the elevator. It happens quite often. Drives me nuts. Maybe I'm alone. I don't know. Just one of those things that just irks you, you know? My first thought is to have a condescending remark quip to embarrass the person in front of everybody. This sort of passive aggressive response to somebody doing something I disagree with. Usually I don't say anything and that's when I have a good day. I have in the past said things that always embarrass me. It never goes over well. You think it's funnier in your head, but nonetheless, I walk away from that not saying anything. Between five minutes and I don't know, a week, two days, I will have the thought in my head of what I should have said to that person, what he was going to say back to me, and then what I was going to say back to him to win the argument. This is all happening in my head like ping pong. Does anyone else do this? Maybe you go to the gym. I'm at the gym yesterday and I'm running on the treadmill. My headphones died, of course, and everyone knows this. When your headphones die at the gym.
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Speaker 1The worst possible person in the world is also at the gym with you making all sorts of noises and doing weird shit. This guy is on the bike, riding the bike, coughing his lungs out for half an hour straight. I had to listen to it. It sounded like he was dying. I wanted to go over and help him. The best part about all of this, and this happens to me every single time. I look around and nobody else is bothered. I'm the only one that is appalled by this gentleman's lack of hygiene and situational awareness. And I just start going off in my head. Oh, I mean, how dare he? I can't believe he's doing that. It's so unsanitary and gross. I hope he wipes it down after I should go. You should go say something to him. Say something to him. You need to embarrass him. How could he be doing this? Disgusting. Anything. I end up just having the conversation in my head saying, just relax. Let it go. Live and let live. He's not hurting you. It doesn't matter. Stop obsessing. You're the only one suffering, Anthony. I will have arguments in my head with people all day. Usually it's at the gym because that's when you'll see a lot of people within a short amount of time. And usually people are doing things you don't agree with. Another place this will happen is public transit as well. I'll have arguments in my head with people that take me to the gym. I'll have arguments in my head with people that take me to the gym. I'll have arguments in my head with people that take me to the gym. Do something ridiculous and selfish. And usually when I'm doing that stuff, it's because I am upset with the selfishness in me. I am projecting. I digress. Thing two, think everything's about me. Yeah. So everyone knows this. Whenever you hear news from something or somebody or somebody tells you something, you immediately, I immediately, I'm going to try to talk from my own personal experience and not say you. I'm going to try to talk from my own personal experience and not say you. I'm going to try to talk from my own personal experience and not say you. I'm going to try to talk from my own personal experience and not say you. I'm going to try to talk from my own personal experience and not say you. I'm going to try to talk from my own personal experience and not say you. Me. I'm talking about me and my experience, not you. I always somehow root it back to me being about me. I'm the center, like I said at the beginning. So if somebody, so if there's traffic on the highway, I'm immediately appalled by how this traffic is affecting my life. And it turns out there's a guy pulled over on the side of the road. And my brain goes, I can't believe he did this to me. And maybe it's not that clear. Maybe that's not the exact sentence, but maybe it's not but it's some roundabout way of, I can't believe this guy just ruined my day. Everything's about me. Somebody gives you some horrible news in their life. And suddenly you are, your first thought is to make it about you. To trace it back to how it affects you in your life. Alcoholism. My mentor always says, not everything's about you. It's not about you, Anthony. Three, crazy first thoughts to triggers. Yeah. So this one, when I see, I'll give you an example. I see a pill bottle, a prescription bottle. My very first thought, any, if I could be at anyone's house anywhere in the world and I see a prescription bottle with someone else's name on it, my very first thought is, Ooh, I wonder what they're taking. That looks fun. I wonder if it's fun. I wonder if they're taking that to sleep or feel better. I wonder if they're abusing it. I wonder how many they have left in there. Normal people think like that. That looks fun. They're probably having fun with those. And it could be, I don't know. It could be acid reflux medication. And I'm immediately, I'm assuming it's Percocets or Oxys or something or Vyvanse or Adderall. When I see somebody going to the bathroom a lot at a bar, and I don't know why I noticed these things. I just do. My first thought immediately is, Oh man, they're doing cocaine. That looks fun. How nice for them must be nice. They can do cocaine recreationally. And I'm sitting here, been to three rehabs, not able to control my drinking or using must be nice. This is your friendly reminder that it was never fun. And it's never going to be fun. Anthony, you stopped having fun a long time ago. Drugs became a necessity, not a luxury. Remember, remember how much fun in quotations I'm doing air quotations right now. You were having, when you got kicked out of that hotel, when you were homeless, that was fun. Wasn't it not having any money to buy lunch? Good times for count others, drinks, notice amounts. Anytime we're at a bar, anytime I'm at a bar, I will notice somebody not finishing their drink or not drinking the way I drink. And I'm like, what, what's the point of even going to the bar? Why are you even here? Why'd you even get that big beer? If you're not going to finish it, sir, what kind of that's alcohol abuse right there. That's what alcohol abuse is. I also always notice when people are drunk and I was at a concert the other night with my dad and this lady was clearly drunk, a little bit older. And I was like, you know what? Good for her. Good for her. I bet she's going out after to drink some more. She's probably going home to her kids, man. Crazy. I love it though. I love it. I can just laugh at it today and say, I am just different than everyone else. that's okay but you and i my friend in recovery are the same we are the same maybe you don't identify with all of these crazy thoughts but i bet you identify with some of my pattern of thinking if you're an alcoholic addict like me five over share about self anyone do this you you're in a situation where somebody asks why you don't drink and you tell them that if you drink you would probably end up smoking meth and losing your house and losing your car your kids oh no i don't drink i when i drink i end up in handcuffs i break out in handcuffs i break out in cocaine i can't tell you how many times i've done that said something so inappropriate to people that i don't really know that well and they're like is this guy for real is he joking or is he serious that sounds pretty dark man a lot of people can't handle the dark truth of addiction or just in general oversharing about the truth of addiction and then you're like oh my god i don't know what to do with this because i think a lot of people in recovery are very tapped into their emotional nature they're very hard working on themselves on their awareness their self-awareness and when we're in recovery meetings it's very easy to open and share honestly to open up and share honestly with other people because it's in our nature we have to do it or we'll die and so when you're around people that don't normally do that i think it comes off as very forward maybe dark unsure they don't know whether you're gonna laugh or cry next they don't know whether they should laugh or cry i don't know i i keep doing it and if you can't handle the truth i'm sorry i've gotten better at it though i don't try to know read the room is what i'll say about that six seek validation yes from others from people from things i think addiction alcoholism fundamentally is a disease of more like i said it's a disease of not enough and it's a disease of filling the hole i i have the hole in the donut i need to fill it with things and when i don't fill it with higher power god spirituality i fill it with material things and love and things that i think will will make it whole and fix me they never do the shine always wears off the car is not as nice you know how it goes the other thing i'll say about seeking validation is i could be in a room where a hundred people are saying one nice things about me and one person says something horrible or triggering or really just i don't like it and i'll think about that one person's opinion over the hundreds of good opinions seven simulate every possible outcome future trip yes this one i do a lot think about all the ways that my future could unfold think about all the things that could possibly happen when i go to that thing i have to go to later and it keeps me in fear it keeps me stuck it keeps me sick because my brain wants to be comfortable and in control and the illusion of control is anxiety anxiety is lack of control and fear of all the possible outcomes and then flow state mindfulness awareness control without thinking so anxiety is thinking without control and flow state mindfulness being present is control without thinking so you're in control of the scenario because you are present and you're not thinking about being in control you're in flow state you're not thinking about the future you're just existing it happens when you play sports it happens when you go rock climbing skiing snowboarding running doing an extreme activity how many times do you think we have to be wrong i i think about this a lot how many times do you think we have to be wrong about an outcome about the future about how something's going to unfold the result before we finally stop simulating it how long how many times do you have to be wrong before you finally understand that you're going to be wrong 95 of the time it's never the way i think it's going to be i was talking to somebody today that was telling me about going back to work after rehab and he was scared about going back to work i remember that that's a crazy scary feeling everyone's going to know everyone's going to talk about me this is how it's going to go they're going to ask me about rehab i don't know what i'm going to say it never goes the way i think it's going to go stop simulating the outcomes anthony i'm like a movie projector going around projecting my version of the future reality my perception of the world that's me that's what i do i project eight notice when someone is acting out of line very conscious about personal social law anyone ever feel like the actor the director the guy that does the lights the custodian that's me i want to be everything all at once right now if you're not following my script sir or ma'am i'm going to be upset and resent you for it as i mentioned this happens a lot on social on public transit when somebody doesn't do something i think they ought to be doing like giving up a seat to an old lady i think most people would agree that's the right thing to do not everybody thinks that way or acts that way the best part about all this is like i said when i notice that i am upset about the way someone is acting in the world they're not following my script they're not following the social law whatever that is the moral social law i'm the only one in the entire room that is upset you can look around and you'll see nobody else even notices it's just me i'm the only one obsessing over it what's that about maybe it's me and not them maybe it's my problem maybe it's also my solution to stop worrying about it and live and let live and let go it's hard nine read minds hyper self-consciousness anyone else a mind reader here i know exactly what you're thinking when i walk into a room that's what drugs and alcohol fixed for a long time actually it stroked my ego it allowed my ego to not think about what you were thinking about me it didn't matter i knew i was the shit i was connected i was tapped in to drugs and alcohol i had a power greater than myself cocaine and it's fun until it's not and it works until it doesn't i have a hyper self-consciousness today sober or drunk doesn't matter in recovery or not in recovery my instant thought reaction feeling is that i know what you're thinking and i know that it's bad or i know what you're thinking and i know that it's the best thing ever it it wavers but usually it's the bad i know that you know that i'm a fraud i know that you know that i'm fat i know that you know that i'm a piece of shit i don't do the things i say i do i am embarrassed to be in the room that i'm walking funny i can read your mind and i'm here to tell you we all know we can't i'm not special i don't have elon musk technology or anything like that but i really do think that i know what people are thinking about me and it's always about me i know how they're i'm going to be judged perceived if i do this thing social media is a good example if i post this real that's embarrassing and cringy everyone's going to hate it that's one of the social media is it made me push through that fear of perception for the most part it still happens but i don't care i just post it i say what i believe and i know i believe it and then i post it if i like it it's good enough same goes for you if you like the art the art isn't for you it's for sorry the art isn't for the audience it's for you do it for you don't do it for an and that's me talking to myself all of this podcast is always me reminding myself and finally 10 legend in my own mind while also being the worst person ever never good enough that great dichotomy of alcoholism i am the biggest piece of shit in the world but i am the only piece of shit that i think about i am a legend but also the worst legend that ever lived we live in superlatives nothing is good or bad it's best or worst there's no middle ground middle area there's no gray area it's black or white i'm in or i'm out i was that way with drugs and alcohol i'm that way with recovery for the most part i have to be and it's not about being perfect it's about being all the way in trying your best or all the way out god is either everything or he's nothing that's another example of that we are not saints progress not perfection progress toward perfection knowing that i'll never get there all these things occur in my mind pretty and it sounds crazy and it sounds wild maybe to the normal person maybe if you're an alcoholic addict you can identify with some of these or all of these today they don't run my life that's the difference they i like to have fun with episodes like this but i want to remind you that if you're feeling this way and it's overwhelming for you and you can't stop drinking or using just keep showing up find somebody in recovery that has what you want do what they did simple not easy i don't need to over complicate it for you just do that that's what i did
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Speaker 1It does get better. Your mind does quiet down. The space in between the crazy thought and the action gets bigger. The space in between the crazy thought and the next crazy thought gets bigger. It gets quieter. If you continually show up and do the work. If you continually do the things you don't want to do without any expectations of the outcome. Just showing up, turning off your brain. Action contrary to my best thinking and my best judgment. Just go. Just do. It'll get better. And it always does. And sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes it doesn't. Some days feel harder than others, but follow the North Star. Just stay the path. These thoughts, these weird things that happen to me and maybe happen to you, don't run my life today. I'm not paralyzed by fear today. I can simply watch all 10 of these things happen every day and laugh and say, oh, I'm doing that thing again. Oh, my brain is trying to do that thing again. I just, I like thinking about it. I like thinking about it. I like thinking about it. I like thinking better of myself and worse than other people. I like comparing myself to other people. So I feel better about myself. I'm doing that thing again. Huh? That's it. If no one's told you this yet, I love you. And remember, recovery is simple, not easy.
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