Speaker 1Hello, everybody. Welcome back or welcome to Recovering All Out podcast. Today, we're going to talk about relapse and how to tell you're in a relapse, how to stop a relapse before it's too late. Trust me when I tell you this, and I don't need to tell anybody this, if you're in addiction recovery, you do not want to experience relapse. You definitely don't want to experience relapse ever. But relapsing after having some years, one of the hardest things I've ever done is coming back. I didn't think I'd ever be back. And here I am. I'm back. I'm alive. And I'm grateful for both of those things to be true today. Tomorrow, I don't know. Today, I'm grateful. I'm alive. I'm sober. All we have is today. So this episode lives in the space before relapse, the drift that happens in the weeks, months, quietly over time, leading up to the first drink or drug. I always say this, but I never relapsed on alcohol. That was not what happened. I never relapsed on drugs. I relapsed on emotions and thoughts and secrets. And that's what led me to my downfall and to the horrible situation that I put myself in. The goal isn't a checklist to scare you. It's a mirror. I want to frame this episode as I missed these signs in myself before my relapse. Here's what I wish I'd known. I would love if I could save you the months, years of agony of relapsing, because let's be honest, you don't know if you're going to come back from a relapse. That's one of the scariest truths in addiction recovery is that I don't know if I have another recovery in me, but I do know that I have another relapse in me. I always have another relapse in me. So I would love if we could avoid that for you. And so maybe this episode will help you identify if you're in a relapse right now or on your way to a relapse, because like I said, it doesn't happen in one moment. It happens over time, the months, the years leading up to it, weeks. I'm not here to tell you what to do or what not to do. I'm just here to share my experience on how I relapsed and some things that I wish I knew before, some things that I looked at before. But if I'm being honest, if you're in a relapse, the chances are you might not even know it yet. You might not even be aware of it. And so hopefully this episode will bring awareness to that. I don't want to scare you. I don't want to make anyone think that they're doing recovery wrong or that they're bad at recovery because those are not true. All I want is for you to take a look, an honest look at your program to see where you're at. If you're closer to relapse, if you're closer to picking up a drink or you're closer to recovery, in my opinion, you can only go toward one direction. There is only toward relapse or toward recovery. There's no in between. There's no middle ground. If it feels like you're in the in between right now, you're probably closer to relapse. So like I said, I didn't wake up one day and say, I'm going to use today after seven and a half years of sobriety and recovery. I'd been slipping for weeks and I just called it a rough patch or I completely justified it and ignored it. This is the dangerous thing about alcoholism and addiction is that you will tell yourself that you're not in a relapse, that you're doing fine, that this isn't a relapse. This doesn't count as mood or mind altering. And that's where the danger lies is that rationalization and justification that we can do. I can rationalize and justify the shit out of any behavior in my life. If I'm not checking myself with mentors, with people in recovery, with my community, I will justify anything because I'm good at it. We're good at it. We're good at saying that, yes, these steroids are not a relapse. They're making me feel better and I look better. I need to get bigger and they're not mood or mind altering. So it's not a relapse. And then it was, I'm going to get into ADHD medication because I feel like I have a focus problem. Meanwhile, my whole life, I've been fine up until this point. This was two years ago, almost three years ago now. I had been fine up until that point, but my brain was looking for a backdoor. It was looking for a way out of my current reality, my brain, my thoughts. I wanted relief. And I wasn't getting relief in my spirituality because I stopped connecting. I wasn't getting relief in my recovery program and my community because I stopped connecting two most important things in recovery to me today, connection and being current. So get current and get connected. If you're not any of those things, start to look at it, start to open up with the people around you that you love and that you trust, get current with them and honest and authentic. And this is what I'm going through. What do you think about this? I promise you, if you have a good recovery, if you are in a circle of people that are recovering and recovered, connected to a power greater than themselves, they will not judge you. They will help you because the chances are they've been there before. I relapsed because my primary purpose became me. I don't know about you, but I can say most people, your primary purpose might be you right now, instead of helping others and staying sober, helping others achieve sobriety and staying sober today. Those are the two things I focus on. So I'm going to go through 10 signs. These are just generic, but this is what I come up with when I think of signs toward relapse, things to work out for, red flags, warning signs. So let's get into it. I'm Anthony. I'm an addict and alcoholic. I've been in recovery since 2015. I relapsed after seven and a half years of continuous sobriety and recovery. I am now almost two years sober, clean and sober again with the help of my higher power that I choose to call God and my recovery community. And the work that I've put in up until this point has led me to where I am now. Where I am today. But that being said, I cannot do this on my own. I need connection to a power greater than myself that I choose to call God. That also involves my recovery community because that is a power greater than myself. The collective consciousness of my recovery community and the people around me, my support system doesn't have to be sky daddy, the bearded guy in the sky. It's just a power greater than you connect to it. And what does that mean? How do I connect to that power? Well, if you put in the action of doing things over and over again, that you, the action contrary to your best thinking, the things that you don't necessarily believe in, but you're doing anyways, because the guy or girl that's sober is telling you that's what they did to gain contented sobriety. And I'm not just talking about sobriety. I'm talking about happy sobriety, contented sobriety, a way of living that allows me to be at peace and not in resentment all the time. I followed what they did. And if you do that, you follow what they did continuously, consistently, you will eventually connect to them. And if you do that, you will be at peace and not in resentment all the time. And if you do that, you'll be at peace and not in resentment all the time. And if you do that, you'll be at peace and not in resentment all the time. I don't understand it. I can't explain it to you. I can't draw it on a whiteboard, but it's a magical, beautiful thing. It is shifting my perception every day when I tap into it. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe my ego is running the show today and I need to get out of self and help others all a part of this big umbrella of God and higher power. I digress. Red flag one, pulling away from support. So you're skipping meetings. You're not calling yourself. You're not calling your sponsor. You're going quiet in the group chat. It doesn't feel like avoidance. It feels like I'm fine. I don't need it right now. And that's the tell recovery happens in connection. Isolation is the setup. So I'm fine is one of the most dangerous things I can say in recovery. I don't need it right now. Listen, if you are not doing something in your recovery program, you're choosing not to partake in some aspect of that recovery program. You are saying that you don't need that. You're not doing it right now. You're not doing it right now. You're not doing it right now. You're not doing it right now. You're not doing it right now. 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You're not doing it right now. maybe i journal about it but i don't let it sit in my brain up here because when it sits in my brain any secret idea anything that's stuck in my brain i will eventually mold it and conform it into a idea and then into a behavior and then it's only a matter of time before i'm relapsed again and i'm drinking and i'm using and i'm in hotel rooms by myself until all hours of the night get it out of your head whatever that looks like for you i recommend finding a person that you can trust or people that you can trust run it by them hey can i run something by you hey i've been thinking about drugs a lot lately what do you think about this talk through it with people three returning to old thinking patterns so black and white thinking starts to happen all or nothing what's the point this is pre-addiction thinking not new thinking these are old ideas if the were at your worst pay attention so those thoughts are coming back of i'm a piece of shit what's the point of all this i'm not good enough recovery sucks i'm bored get it out start paying attention to it again you can't control your thoughts and manipulate them into you can't stop them dead in their tracks they're gonna come it's what you do with it next pay attention to the soundtrack in your head journal it the recurring thoughts the thought loops that are happening write about it get it out for neglecting basics food sleep routine so halt comes into play here if you don't know what halt is it's hungry angry lonely and tired it's a cliche because it's accurate when self-care collapses the armor comes off not because the effect not cause and effect more like early warning infrastructure going offline if you are spinning out chances are you're one of those four things hungry angry lonely tired take care of yourself ask other people how they do it awareness is the key five emotional numbing or shutdown stopped feeling much going through motions not sad not happy just flat this matters because the emotional pain that substances were managing doesn't disappear in recovery it shifts numbing can signal it's building back up below the surface so again i'm not here to start catastrophizing on your life right now if you're having any one of these don't panic you can easily jump back on the recovery horse that's the beauty of this thing but before it's too late it's so simple to jump back in the recovery game if your one thing is off that you wish you were doing more that you used to do when you first got sober just reincorporate it back into your life it's so simple don't don't wait until you're ready or don't wait until tomorrow or two it's too late start today start journaling today pick up one new habit that you maybe did before or maybe haven't tried yet prayer meditation follow a guided meditation app emotional numbing or shutdown is a part of our nature it's what we do we don't have i don't have to use drugs because of it i don't have to escape with substances today i have tools that i was given a spiritual toolkit laid at my feet and if you don't have that toolkit yet go find somebody that has it and ask them how they got it and then do what they did six dishonesty creeping back in yes this is a big one dishonesty oh my god this is the comes to secrets as well small lies to people close to you saying i'm good when you're not hiding how much you're struggling the relationship with honesty is a real-time measure of where someone is secrecy was a huge part of active addiction when it returns it's worth asking why what is this about why do i feel the need to lie what am i hiding from be curious not judgmental start to ask more questions why am i leaning on dishonesty today why am i wanting to lie to this person why am i not apologizing and saying hey you know i said that thing there i didn't really mean it it's so simple fix it before it's too late plus lying is the most complicated thing in the world because you have to keep up with that story now you've spun a story that isn't true that you forget because it's not true and you've you're spinning so many stories to people that you can't remember what you told this person what you told that person the more dishonest i was in addiction and sorry in recovery and in addiction too the more dishonest i was the more of a piece of i felt like at the end of the day if you don't if you do things that cause you to hate yourself like lying often if you do things that cause you to hate the way you feel the hate dislike the person you're becoming to dislike yourself you only have two jobs in this life to find your true self and love that true self if you start to exhibit these behaviors and act like a person in addiction or the person that you were you're eventually going to want to escape that identity because you're so fed up with the way you are and you don't like the person looking back at you in the mirror you can't even make eye contact with the person in the mirror what kind of man or woman do you want to be what kind of person do you want to be i had a mentor ask me that when i first came into recovery anthony what kind of man do you want to be today and do your actions reflect that think about that are you acting like the person you want to be today what kind of person do you want to be seven skipping or dismissing therapy and aftercare i've already dealt with this i don't need it anymore this feels like confidence but can be complacency yeah so maybe you're at a good place and you're saying i don't need this anymore i'm i'm outgrown this i'm recovered i'm cured i'll never be cured what a gift because then i can keep working on myself with the spiritual toolkits and i can keep growing the difference is whether you can say why you're stepping back not just that you feel like going that you don't feel like going so the difference is whether you can say why you're stepping back not just that you don't feel like going you know the answer you're confident in your answer of why you're dismissing these aftercare therapy whatever your program looks like meetings eight testing or flirting with limits so going somewhere you used to use spending time with people you used to use with just to prove you can handle it or maybe to show them that you're doing better subconsciously i just want to show them that i'm doing really well that's also not very good too what is your motive when you go to these things ask yourself that ordering a mocktail at the same bar these feel like proof of strength but are often reconnaissance missions the brain is running so yeah your brain is running recon missions here people places and things man this is the dangerous game of addiction if i hang around the barber's chair long enough i'm gonna get my hair cut if i go to the same bar hang out with the same people don't change a single thing in my life how am i gonna stay sober i'm living the exact same way i'm going to the same places there is no recovery to be had in a bar and i'm not sitting here saying that you shouldn't go to bars or you shouldn't go to parties or i truly believe you can go anywhere in the world where drugs and alcohol are involved if you are on the spiritual footing if you have a foundation in your recovery and and if your motive is right your motive is clear for why you're going are you going to that bar for somebody's celebration their birthday or are you going to like steal vicarious pleasure from other people drinking there watch them have fun and think man i miss that i wish i could do that because it starts with that and then it ends with you in a trap house or you at the second bar or you 10 beers deep be honest with yourself nine major life stress or sense of groundlessness so big things are happening job loss relationship breakdown family conflict grief it's not that stress that causes relapse it's that stress activates the old neural pathways that substance use carved out the question isn't why the question isn't am i stressed it's am i using my recovery tools because i'm stressed or am i starting to white knuckle it alone am i white knuckling it right now am i a dry drunk am i a a tender of recovery programs am i a pretender in recovery programs or am i a member am i bought into this thing am i in the middle am i connected am i current life's gonna happen i don't need to drink over major life consequences anytime i relapsed i relapsed after things were going well things were okay if i look back on all the times i relapsed things were going pretty well they were okay i just wanted to escape my brain i wasn't leaning on my recovery circle i had secrets and i was showing up to recovery meetings and not telling the truth i was putting on a mask everywhere i went because i was ashamed that i was regressing back into my addiction and then by the time i caught myself and realized that i actually had been in a relapse it was too late the craving had kicked in i needed more so i started abusing my adhd medication i started buying more on the dark web and i started partying with it and then i would justify it and justify it and keep rationalizing well you know it's not that bad at least i'm not using cocaine yet until i was 10. loss of meaning or connection to why you got sober the y goes quiet recovery starts to feel like maintenance rather than a direction people who relapse often describe this beforehand not a crisis moment just a slow fading of purpose what reconnects you to your reason that's worth talking about. So yeah, my purpose today is to stay sober and help the next alcoholic achieve sobriety. My purpose is also to bring the message of recovery through social media, including this podcast. I enjoy doing it. I enjoy making the skits on Instagram. I enjoy laughing and joking about the old times and addiction. Because it was crazy. A lot of the things we did were crazy. I've cried a lot. I want to laugh now. I don't want to cry anymore. And this is why I kind of make fun of myself in addiction. Because I get it, man. When you're in it, it feels like it's never going to end when you're in it. It feels like the worst thing ever. As time passes, you start to look back and laugh at those things. Because they were crazy. The things I've done crazy. It doesn't take away the pain. And it doesn't take away all the pain we've caused other people. But I know that I don't have to do that again today. I know that I don't have to hurt people around me today, including myself. I know that I don't need drugs and alcohol to escape myself because I love myself today. I know that there is no problem in my life that drugs and alcohol will fix today. I know that without a doubt. Do you know that? Ask yourself. Am I trying to fix myself with outside things? Maybe it's gambling. Maybe it's the car. Maybe it's the job, the money, the steroids maybe, the gym. Am I using outside things to change my insides? Where am I at? Take an honest look at yourself. Do an inventory. Start to journal about it. Where am I at? Am I moving toward relapse or am I moving toward recovery? I want you to think of all the things, the actions that you take in a day. Sort them into two categories.
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Speaker 1It's a spiritual bank account, okay? Think of it this way. I love metaphors. Is this action depositing money into my spiritual bank account, or am I withdrawing from my spiritual bank account by doing this thing? If I think about an old memory and I start to go hang out with old people that I used to party with, and I don't tell them that I'm sober maybe, I'm withdrawing from my bank account, my spiritual bank account, by doing that. If I have an obsession, a relapse thought, if I start missing the good old days, if I exhibit any 10 of these behaviors and then I catch it before it's too late, I'm depositing, man. That's a deposit into the spiritual bank account. Are you withdrawing or are you depositing today? If you can go to bed at the end of the night with in the positives, you are in the surplus of spiritual dollars. It was a good day. Thank you, everyone who came back. Please follow the podcast on any platform that you're following. If no one's told you this yet today, I love you. And remember, recovery is simple, not easy.
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