10 Things TO DO In Your Marriage

[MUSIC] Welcome back to the Gali Gingman podcast episode 128. As we previewed last week, if you were watching the end of the episode that we had last week, we got a top 10 for you today and we have a top 10 for you next week. These type of lists episodes are always kind of fun for us, but Joe and I were talking, we haven't done anything marriage related really since the how to stand up to your wife episode, which was pre this studio, like kind of a while back. And so yeah, we have this on our list of like, what are the top five or top 10 things that you should do in your marriage versus the top 10 things you should not do in your marriage. And so we're going to get started right away because we actually are going to do a top 10. We both brought five. We have not looked at each other's list. Yep. So there may be smoverlap. There might be. We don't know. There might be. There might be. But we, Joe will be exposed to my list just as soon as you guys are and then vice versa. But Joe, let's go ahead and start obviously just to kind of preview it. Joe's married for seven years, eight years, eight years coming up on nine in October. Wow. Rachel, I'm married for six years. So don't have all the answers, but we are both very. 15 years consistently or between us. Between us is not. No. And we're both very happy in our marriages. And like we would like to think we have some kind of good advice to share. And if you don't think so, you probably wouldn't be watching this podcast. So with that, Joe, would you like to get us into your first one? Sure. Sure. This one is actually controversial one in the manosphere, which is share your emotions with your wife. In the, again, manosphere online, X or wherever you see, you don't want to show weakness to your wife. You don't really want to share like she'll share her emotions to you. You need to be a stoic rock. But you need to just work that through with guys. Come on. This is you are robbing yourself of an opportunity to grow closer to your wife and to let her see how you operate when you don't show that emotion. When you don't show some sort of you don't have to be a blubbering mess. And as a matter of fact, I would encourage you don't be a blubbering mess. What she wants to see, it doesn't matter if you show emotion. What she wants to see is that there's resolution to it. So if you're showing weakness and you're saying, man, I'm really stressed by X, YZ. And we've talked about this before. But like, I'm really stressed. It's not the showing her that you're stressed. That's a problem. It's the, I don't know what to do. And she consistently has to come in and be the rock. That can't be the answer. On the other hand, so don't be a blubbering mess all the time and don't come in with, you know, all your problems that she has to solve. On the other hand, don't be the stoic rock that I got it all together. I don't need my wife. Like she wants to know where you stand and you are once again robbing yourself of an opportunity to grow closer together and to show her a part of you that maybe she doesn't get to see all that often. So share your emotions with your wife. I cannot underline this one enough to say, let her share her emotions with you. We'll get into this a little more. But share your emotions. Let her see that side of you and that will endear her all the more to see your next real person, not just some stoic rock that has no idea how to feel. This is a really good one. Like you don't want to make her your therapist where you just like does that go in. You just need her to solve all your problems emotionally. But yeah, you also. I think there's a reason that the sensitive guys are kind of the ones that girls are into right now. As far as more physical appearance. But like, I don't know. Yeah, I think I know me. I think the age of being the stoic rock that never has any emotion doesn't appeal anymore. I don't know if it ever did. But I really like this one. Like you need to share, hey, I'm really upset and this is why or I'm maybe scared and this is why. Or whatever it is. Like as we talked about seven or so episodes ago, like have a control of your emotion. But it's okay to show her. I like that a lot. Well, I came in the other night. No, you're good. I came in the other night. I was having a rough day. I'm not any real reason why other than there's just a long day, there's like 10 clients. And I came in, I was just kind of in a bad mood. Kids, I hardly seen the kids that day. They were already down. And it was one of those like, I usually don't come in too bad of a mood. On the other hand, man, I was really struggling. And sat down and I just told my wife, she's like, what's going on? And I was like, I just need to go back. She's like, no, what's going on. And so I just like talked it through and man, but it probably took 10 minutes. And by the time I was done, feeling better, that was the resolution. I didn't need her to solve anything. I just needed somebody to listen to like, it's just a really tough day. I got this going on, this going on, whatever it is. It worked great. So, share your emotions. All right, so number two, so my number one, but number two, I put prioritized quality time together. Kind of basic, you might say, but man, when you have kids and when you're working a lot, this is really tough. This is really, really hard. Prioritizing quality time. And because, man, when you have kids and again, when you're working a lot, your time has a way of filling up so fast. And you look up and you're like, when's the last time you've been on a date? When's the last time we sat and had a conversation, kind of like what you just talked about, it can be really hard if you don't prioritize this and say, you know what? Because the other thing that me and Rachel are very guilty of doing is filling up our calendar so much. And it's like, we haven't had a dinner at home in five days. Yep. We haven't, we've been out to eat or maybe of course I worked two nights a week usually, but like, we've been out with my family or out with friends or whatever it is. Like, we, I would strongly encourage you to prioritize quality time with your wife, put it on the calendar if you need to. Like, hey, Thursday night, we don't have anything planned. We're not going to plan anything. We're not going to go out with friends. We're not going to go see my parents or her parents. We're going to have some quality time. If the kids are there, we're going to have dinner at home together. We're going to put the kids down. We're going to watch a show. We're going to whatever it is. If your spouse, and so talking to Gowley, I mean here, so if your wife feels like you are not prioritizing quality time, that will not go well. And you will just grow further and further apart. So this one, I probably, the first one on my list because it's the hitting closest to home to me right now, just because our lives are crazy. And we really do have to prioritize this quality time together to say, we're going to take the afternoon, or we're going to take the evening and just not plan anything. That's so antithetical to mine and Rachel's nature. But it's really important that you make sure that you have quality time with your wife. Because if you're doing everything else and that's the last thing on the list, it just doesn't bow to well for your marriage. This actually was my last thing on the list. So I will come up with number five on the spot or on the fly as we go. What thoughts did you have on it? So yeah, what I had on here is just consistently make time for you to. For me and my wife, that's 530. If we're up at 530 together, we have some prayer time, some coffee, some study time, where we get it in with one another. Kaislyn will try to, you know, we try to stay up later than the kids, but if you're waking up at 530, it's hard to stay up later. And so it's one or the other. Either we stay up late until 11, just so we have that time, or we wake up early and waking up early always as better. But yes, you need a time, whether that's just drinking a cup of coffee and catching up on the week, a time consistently to really put into the marriage and to let each other know this is where we stand. So I'm a big fan of this one. I think that's a very valid point. Give us a number three. Number three, start and end your day with physical affection. Oh, this is a good one. Start and end your day with physical affection. I initially had kiss. I don't know. Sometimes it's first thing in the morning and you're kind of like, you know, when you're ready to work and she didn't really want to kiss something. You know, the hug, the cuddle, the kiss is really a one. Just something to let her know, hey, I find you, you're sexy, you're attractive. You're these things to me. Yes, you may be bleary eyed and just getting out of bed. Kind of exhausted. And exhausted and you were up with kids in the night or whatever else. Like it's a grounding thing in the morning. It's really good. They also prove like Gottman, Mayor Jekspur is proven six second kisses, six or longer. I think six seconds or longer starts to release like, fair mones and such. It's a very good and I think it releases oxytocin after six or eight seconds or something like that. So a long kiss, a hug, whatever it is, even hugs do that. A long hug starts to just release something internally. So prioritize that, especially before you leave for work as soon as you get home from work. Last thing before the bed, my wife and I give a kiss to each other every single night before we turn over our various sides, whatever it is to both sides. I should say various as though there's multiple sides. We turn away because I just like clear my respective. Yes, our respective sides. There you go. So I just think it's really important. Yeah, I really like that idea of starting an ending in the grounding idea. I leave it 430 in the morning or I leave it five in the morning. That's a little tough. But I still try to make it a point, you know, my wife's like barely awake. We give her a hug, kiss, tell her every good day or whatever. And then we do the same thing before before bed. And I'm the same way. I cannot sleep facing her. I have to sleep for some reason facing the other. Whatever it is. I don't know. Same thing. Same thing. I like this one a lot. I think that's a very good principle. My number so number four for our list here. Set goals together. This is a bit this is a I didn't take that one today. No, okay, that's good. This is a big passion point for me. I'm a big believer and Joe as well. We've talked about this on other episodes. Big believer in setting goals for yourself as an individual. But when you get married and you become one with your spouse, set goals together. These can be hopefully spiritual growth goals. These can be getting up at a certain time goals. Weight goals, diet goals. Financial goals. Like, hey, we really want to pay off our car. Or we really want to try to start paying the house off next year. Whatever it is. Like set goals together. Because if you're setting your own goals and she's setting her own goals, which I think is very valuable, but they never intersect. You never kind of come together and talk about them or even have mutual goals. Yours not quite as connected. And on the other side of it, you have couples who not all that interested in growth whatsoever. Like, yeah, we'll just live our lives and kind of react to things. And across that bridge when we get there type of stuff. And man, I'm just a big believer in kind of look ahead. Where do you want to go as a family? Bring your wife into that discussion again, whether it's finances, spiritual things. My wife and I have a goal. She's pretty much trying to cut out all seed oils in our house. And that's something that she's kind of the the driver of. But I'm right there with her where we have that goal together. We've got financial goals that I'm more the driver of. But we come together on those things. I don't know. We've talked about it before. I'm a big believer in goal setting and doing it with your spouse. Just briefly. Had so much fun to start of the year. We do this every year. We go on a trip with Joe's family. All of our families come together for a really fun week trip. But my wife and I take two hours. My parents will watch the kids and we'll just go. go to a coffee shop and we'll basically set our goals for the year. My own goals, her own goals, and then our couple goals. And it's really special. I'm a good believer in this one. >> I love that you bring in both of you bringing goals to the table. It's really tough when only one person sets the goals and they're like, who cares? That type of thing. >> Or sure, whatever you want to do. >> Yeah, exactly. That sounds good, that sounds good. We'll do that. No need buy-in. And part of the buy-in is both of us creating goals together. And so I love that. My wife is the same. She's really on the health kick right now. She's trying to get us healthy and eat in the food and it's like, man, sure. Go ahead and put the food in front of me and I'll eat a type of thing. But it's nice because we're getting on the same page, but she's kind of driving that one. And yeah, again, there's more of their spiritual goals, things like that, or even with the kids that I'm driving. So I love this one. I think goals are often neglected too much in marriages where you just kind of see what happens. You know, year after year go by and keep my head above water. >> Exactly kind of drifting. >> And drifting apart and the kids are really out of control and not really taking time to talk. So that's really important. >> You'd be brought to brief. >> I would be very curious about what percentage of couples actually set goals together. I bet it's really low. >> I'd be at that. >> I don't know how you'd find that. I mean, I'm sure it's a stat out there somewhere. >> There's got to be a stat, but well, actually, no, I don't know that that's something that people would think about. >> You take your average couple and my bet would be they probably do not set goals together. It's just not something people do much. >> Sorry. >> And if they do, yeah, if they do, like, wonder how many hit it together, how many set mutual set goals and then work together to hit it because that's the other piece of this is, it's not just Rachel hitting her goals and you hitting your goals. It's like we're working together to help each other. >> Exactly. >> Argoals. So it becomes a mutual thing to become one flesh. Number five, find her love language early and hit it often. There's five different love languages. So I guess number five that's fitting. Five different love languages, which is physical affection, acts of service. >> Let me think about quality time. >> Quality time. >> Words of affirmation. >> Here you go. >> Gift giving. >> Gift giving. He's got. >> He's better than me. >> I don't know why. This conversation is always fascinating. The love language conversation is always interesting to me. >> We talked about it before. I do think love languages shift from time to time based off of what is necessary in the moment. On the other hand, man, you really want to be attuned to your wife enough to know, man, I keep wearing her home flowers. That should tell you that I love you. She couldn't care less about gifts. She just wants you home and you come home with 1030 and you're in bed by 11. She wants time with you or she's been asking you to fix the dishwasher for three weeks and you continue to want to spend all this time together. You're not fixing the dishwasher and acts of service really or big for her. You need to know what makes her tick and what the love language is where she's going to realize, man, he really cares for me and loves me. That might shift over time. That's where attunement comes in. But figuring this out early and trying to hit this off and so you can build up this cash or this equity, equity, whatever you want to call it. Yeah, you put in the bank account and then you can draw on that a little bit later. She knows where her bread is but her. She knows that you love her regardless of whatever it is because you have consistently met that. I would strongly suggest you find this early and hit it off. Well, it's about her too as far as that goes. Obviously, she should be doing the same thing to you and find her. Sure. If she's a physical touch person, I'm not a touchy person. Sorry, man, suck it up. You got to be a physical touchy person. I was not a list of that was her big thing is, man, why don't early on the marriage? You never really kissed me. You don't really hug me all that much. We weren't a super touchy, feely family. Her first was very touchy, feely. It was kind of like, oh, hey, you know, big hugs for them. It was kind of weird. We'd hug each other, but it wasn't like that big of a deal. It was low on your list. Low on her list. It was the number five on my list, number one on her list. Yes, I had to come up several spots to hit that point. So sorry. No, that's a great, great example. That's a really good one. We got to keep moving though. I keep them. Number six, what I have, basically, is I'll get out. You need to be studying and praying together. Yeah. Study and pray with your spouse. This speaks to me very much as far as something I need to be better at. But the more time that you can, even if studying together, I've said this before, like finding time for both of you to study together every single day might be difficult. But man, incorporating like what y'all are reading together and at least talking about it at some point during the day and then finding time to pray together either in the beginning or the end of the day, that's really valuable because you don't want to be living two separate spiritual lives. And the other thing is you as the spiritual leader, you kind of need to know where she is spiritually. We've talked about this before. But I think making a habit of studying and praying together five or six times a week, again, I understand every day might be asking a lot. But it's really important if you are going to be the spiritual leader that you lead her spiritual and that way Joe and Alyssa are very good at this. And this is something that I very much think, if I was making that again, top five things to do, this needs to be on your list of you are taking time to study with your spouse. You're taking time to pray with your spouse. And it's super-seeing things like, "I'm going to make sure I get my Netflix in with my spouse." Again, there's time for that. Rachel, I love to do that. It doesn't need to take precedent over this one. Yeah. And I think sometimes this can be with spiritual books. I think this is, he said it's basic, but it has to be on the list, right? Yeah. Even if it's spiritual books, a list of them, I'll be reading different things and just sharing notes. Like, man, what do you think about this? What do you think about that? And that can be helpful, too, where maybe you don't have all the time in the world to sit down and we try to in the mornings over our coffee sit down. But she's studying something different than I am. And so we're both, it's kind of quiet time, but we're both studying together. But then sometimes she's reading a book and I read a book and we're just sitting down and talking about it. I just finished Joe Rigni, leadership and emotional sabotage. Great book. Great book. So I'll share, you know, what are you thinking about this? I mean, he was saying this. Those things are really good. It keeps the conversation flowing, gives you something to talk about, but it also is really good to build each other up spiritually. And it'll give you an understanding of where she is spiritually as well. If you're praying together, you can tell her heart's really not in it. That's a time to go, okay, time out. Time out. Like, what's going on here? Why is she struggling spiritually? And that's had some really good conversations for both of us over the last eight, nine years where we were able to dig into each other's spiritual life because of things like this. So I think that's great. Number six. Seven, right? Seven. Yes, thank you. Thank you. Um, actively listen to her. I know it sounds like I'm going to back to the same thing, but don't just fix it, Fox. Actively listen. And active is not like, you know, you got your phone out. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah, honey. I'm sorry. That's not actually what's watching this. You'll be laughing right now because the amount of times, unfortunately, that I'll get a work text or something and I'll have to look at it. And then I'll say, I'm really sorry. Can you repeat what you just said? So that's really bad. Yes. Good one, Joe. Yes. This is a tough one, man. I make fun of her and she makes fun of me because occasionally we get into this and then you'll just stop talking and kind of look at her like, hello, you get a nurse that I stopped talking and she'll do the same. So we really are working on this, but the active listening of like eye contact. Yes. I can repeat back to you what you just said. Like I heard you. Um, that's a big one. But the other thing on active listening is like so many times as us guys, we're just trying to find solutions. Oh, this is what you should do. That's not always what they're looking for. Sometimes it's a legitimate, hey, what do you think or what should I do in this situation? Sometimes it's just, I want to vent. Right. Sometimes it's like, man, I'm really sorry. That's a tough situation. You have to be able to read between the lines. If she's got some friend or whatever or family member that is just really causing problems right now, the, I'm going to go take care of it. That's not what she needs. She needs you ruining the relationship with her mom. She needs, she needs you to just listen, let her vent, whatever it may be. I don't know whatever the situation and just say, that's really tough. I'm sorry. You know, if there's anything I can do, let me know. Like, you know, you're loved. You know that I always love you. And whatever it is, right? You can say it. That only happens if you were actively listening and not just waiting to help like step in to be the night and shining armor. Sometimes it's just listening and that's okay. Yeah. That's really, I want to tie this into my note to number eight because it's related overcommunicate is what I have for number eight. I'm the biggest believer in communication. I know we've talked before about one of the biggest issues that marriages face is just a lack of communication. My parents don't listen to this. I don't think love them to death. This was not their strong suit. They, and still to this day, again, love them to death. They're fantastic. They don't communicate well at all. And so I'm a big believer in, and by overcommunication, I mean like you talked about sharing your emotions. I think that's part of it. Not kind of just going into your cell and kind of getting bitter and not sharing what you're thinking and just kind of letting bitterness grow. But like, man, overcommunicate about the plans, overcommunicate about, I mean, I had a 10 minute drive from here, from church to here to record today. It's called my wife. She was driving home. Of course, didn't come to record with me. But she called her up. Just wanted to talk to her. Like, I think, you know, there's marriages out there. And unfortunately, a lot of these are boomer or gen X marriages where they don't talk to each other throughout the day. And like, you know, they'll have conversations. You'd be like, do y'all talk to each other like at all during the day? Or, I don't know, I don't know, generally, generation, I can't really speak to why that is. But I know one of the things I really try to do in my marriage is just overcommunicate about everything. Even, you know, fun stuff. Like, hey, you know, you got a story to tell or something. She's the first person I want to tell and vice versa. But again, important thing is like, just making sure that, you know, you're not springing stuff on her and she's like, well, I had no idea why didn't you tell me that? Or, you know, you've been ticked off for three days and then, you know, didn't tell her anything. And then she's kind of, well, I had no idea. I don't know, like, just, I'm a huge believer in overcommunicating just about everything within your marriage because it takes away the opportunity for stuff to get misconstrued, for offense to get taken for bitterness. Like, yeah, overcommunicate, for sure. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a great one. I'm the biggest believer in communication will pretty much solve most problems. I remember going to, and you're so right about the, the different marriages. I remember going to Denny's one time with Alyssa early on. We're sitting there just having a great time talking about it back and forth. Look over and there's like this 80 year old couple that's just kind of looking in their own direction, not really talking at all, like the entire time. And then you look over and there's like this 50 year old couple and they're both on their phones. And we're the young ones that are always on the phone, quote unquote, that everybody gets you know, we're the only ones talking to each other. Like, we had a great time and it just kind of struck us as, me, and this is a lot marriages they don't talk. On the same way as I told my wife the other day like I can never cheat on you because you'd be the first, I tell you, you'd be the first one to know. You know what I mean? We talk about everything. I don't have time to talk to another female because if there ever was, I'm talking to you right? All the time. If I have any time in between clients, I'm talking to her and all at any drive. Just give me a hand. Have fun with it. It's a good time. The last one I have is I'm coming up with number nine for us. I'm going to say, as I said, I'm coming on the fly, study your wife. And what I mean by that is you need to know what makes your tick. You need to know what ticks are off. You need to know what gets her aroused in sex life. You need to know like maybe what her biggest struggles are and what her biggest accomplishments are. Study your wife. Be curious about your wife. You want to know who she is. Like so many times, man, I don't even know what my wife's favorite color is. I don't know what my wife's favorite meal is. What am I going to get her for birthday? Like I haven't even paid attention. You're not studying her then. You're not paying attention to her. And studying her doesn't mean that you're a little puppy dog always trying to figure out what she's going to do next. Studying her is, I'm genuinely curious to know you anytime you get a best friend. Man, what do you think about this? They're the first person you text to know about, you know, recently where we're recording this, Trump just bombed Iran. Like, whoa, that's a, you know, that's a newsworthy event checking with my wife. What do you, what are your thoughts on that? So we just have this conversation. Obviously checking with my best friend too, as well as success. But study your wife and I can't agree. Emphasize this enough in the bedroom. Study your wife in the bedroom. You need to know what her origin of zones are. You need to know. And I know that sounds for us, God, the MN for the guys that aren't there yet. You'll get there, but truly as you're thinking toward marriage, people get real weird about the sex life. If you're studying your wife and you're paying attention to what she likes and dislikes and you're asking your questions and really getting to know her, you're going to have a great fantastic sex life. That doesn't start in the bedroom though. It starts outside the bedroom. It starts with you actually paying attention to her. It starts at the dining table. Exactly. And as you're getting home, the car ride home and playing the perfect album that you know she loves. And I have a song together. And in certain moments, I'll play the song and it kind of pulls us back to our wedding day and things like that. You got to know those things. You got to study those things. Be studying your wife. So being self-aware and being tuned in. There's a lot of guys. You can just carry tune out. Yeah, that's really good. My number 10 or our number 10, my last one on the list, be adventurous together. This is a unique one. You might say less serious than the other ones, but what I mean by that is, man, life can be so much fun if you are adventurous with your spouse. Trying new life experiences, traveling together is a really big one. Trying new restaurants, not just going to the same place every single week or whatever. Trying new activities, just trying new music. I don't know. Maybe that just was the flavor of the month for me right now, but I really do think that a marriage where you can be adventurous with your spouse and you all aren't super rigid about every single thing. Again, with my wife, this new health thing, she's kind of trying some new recipes and trying to do different things. And I'm all for it. I love it. It makes life really exciting. Again, traveling kind of ties into this. I love to travel or as you'll also travel. I don't know. Life would just be so boring if you weren't adventurous with your spouse. So I love that. That's my, again, not quite as serious as some of these other ones, but yeah. Number 10, be adventurous with your wife. I think it just adds so much color and so much depth and character to your life and to your marriage specifically versus just the same stuff every day. This, that and the other thing. I don't know. Be adventurous. John Gottman, who is, again, foremost mayor, Jack Span in the world. I love this book. This whole point is build the relationship house off of friendship. You have to build a friendship. And that's exactly what that is. Be friends. Have a really good time in life. That's the purpose of marriage is, yes, to have someone to go through the trials and struggles and everything else. Have a good time in life. Be friends. Be adventurous. Share crazy things together. Crazy stories. You know, food. The both of you hated and food. The both of you loved it. I mean, those are the things that dry together as mutual stories to share and things like that. And so I love that point. Well, that was our list. I'm sure there's more. Let us know what you think. I know a lot of our listeners probably aren't married yet, but some of them are. Shout out Josh Carroll. Give them another shout out. Just got married, of course. But yeah, let us know what you think. If there's any you'd add to the list, that was a very quick 10 that we went over. But we're big believers in all those. And we'll be back next week with a polar opposite episode. What not to do? Top 10 things not to do in your marriage. So stay tuned for that. Any other thoughts, Joe? No. So at 128, have a good layman podcast. Thank you for listening. We'll catch you again next week.