461. 10 things I NEEDED 21 year old me to know

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(gentle music) - Hello everybody, I'm Gemma Spake, and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our 20s, and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast, and thank you for tuning in, as we broke down another episode on the psychology of our 20s. So this is more of a personal episode. I guess there's been something on my mind recently, or something I've been really contemplating in the last few months, is that I've spent my entire 20s, essentially recording my life, and kind of bringing you guys on this journey with me over the past five to six years, I've recorded nearly everything that has happened to me, every experience that I've had, all my life lessons since I was 20, 21, and last week, I had the privilege now of being able to listen back to these episodes, and I listened back to an episode I made right at the beginning in December, 2021. The first year I was making this podcast, and I recorded this episode titled The Psychology of Big Life Changes. At the time, I was just about to move to Sydney. I had just graduated university. I was heartbroken. I didn't know what I was doing. I did, I had a job, I don't know, I don't think I did. And there was so much advice that I wanted to give this version of myself as I listened to this episode. And it really got me thinking, what advice would 31, 32, 33 year old Gemma have for me now during this chapter? There's just so much that doesn't become apparent until you've lived through something. And I cannot tell what 32 year old me is thinking of this episode or any of the other episodes that I make, but I do know what I would have told my younger self at the time, listening back to that episode. And as I thought about it more, I thought it would make a really interesting topic and a really interesting kind of exercise to think, if I was gonna tell her five, six, seven things, what would they be? What would I scream at her? And I guess also, what would I tell you guys? So if somebody who's a little bit younger than me or listening to this episode who's in their early 20s about how to make the most of like this next chapter in their life, I made so many mistakes in my early 20s. And if I'm being honest, I would do about 90% of them again. And then there are some that I wouldn't do. This list contains a bit of a mixture. It contains all these things that I really think were the biggest lessons I took from this time in my life that was just chaos. And there was nothing really that I could hold onto. And yet I've made it through. And there's like, I don't know if I would call it wisdom, this loose wisdom that I have is like, kind of all I had to show for it. And I just wanted to share those lessons with you. And also I wanted to hear, perhaps what you guys would say to your younger selves. If there was something that you could literally grab, younger you by the shoulders and be like, just listen to me, I'm from the future. Don't do this, do that. Please think differently about this experience. What would it be? Here is my list, feel free to share your own without further ado. Let's get into it. Let's start off with number one. These days, you guys know I am in like the most amazing relationship. I love my boyfriend. I kind of understand all those like funny sayings people used to have in movies where they would be like, you know, he's my best friend. And like I fall in love more every single day. And like that idea of like puppy love, like I get it. And it genuinely, it's gag worthy sometimes. I'm sorry, but he truly is like the just the best. He's so principal, he's so funny. He's the best person I know. Now, before this relationship, I had some shockers. If you've listened to me for a while, you'll know that I documented them on this very podcast. And the biggest thing I took away from it and the first thing my 21 year old self would be hearing from me and would be getting an info about if I could talk to her right now, would be that the right person will never force you to compromise your friends. Period full stop, never, ever, ever. They will never make you choose between them or me. And the right relationship should never put you in a position where you are willing to go against your deeply held loyalties and your deeply held bonds with these people for a man or woman or a romantic relationship. Now, this is a lesson I learned it way too late. And it's part of those rare 10% of mistakes I would not make again and I would choose to do differently if I could and if I knew better. Now, does that mean your partner has to become best friends with all your best friends? No, like that's obviously nice. You would hope they would get along. I don't think that's necessary. I don't think that they need to be buddy, buddy, buddy. But what they shouldn't be doing is getting in your ear and like bad mouthing these people and judging you for spending time with them or using manipulative tactics. So you know guilt or shame or the silent treatment to get you to prioritize them and them only. And I don't think they should be in your ear saying nasty things about these people and you certainly shouldn't be listening. I think it's also true at they say that, you know, the right person should bring out the best in you. And that's not the best if they make you or turn you against your friend, friends plural. There is this idea and psychology known as the self-expansion theory of love. It was coined by Arthur and Elaine Aaron in the 1980s. And it essentially says being in love is a pathway to personal expansion. One of many pathways, but a pathway because the best aspects of somebody else get incorporated into our own self-concept. And that results in deeper self-knowledge. Yeah, there were a lot of relationships that did the opposite. They did not expand me. They shrunk me, they made my world smaller. They made me hate myself and a lot of that came down to the influence they had on my friendships and the friendships that they caused me to lose because they wanted me to prioritize them. So, younger Gemma, listen to me right now, run as far away from these people as you can and as soon as possible. So that's number one. That's the first thing she would be hearing from me about. Second, please do not try and play house with somebody before it is your time. Again, another love based one, but why in the world did I contemplate or even think for a second that moving in with my boyfriend at 21 was going to be a good idea? Why did I seriously think? Yeah, I think it's totally about time that I start settling down. This man is totally my forever. This seems comfortable. This feels like the right adult step. Why did I think that? I have a lot of grace for that version me, I think a lot of us feel drawn towards this kind of move because we kind of want to appear older than we are, especially in our early 20s, and we particularly want people around us adults to take us seriously and to see our relationships as important. So one way that we do that is that we mimic what we see or saw them doing or what we think is socially correct and we try and force these adult moves too soon. You know, there is this deep social conditioning that your life begins when you find a partner and you move in with that person and you fall in love with that person and you are forever now and like you are this partnership, you and them are not separated. But I really do believe that the ability to have independent experiences before you make this move is insanely, insanely important. I'm a firm believer that everything has its time and you really do have to focus and appreciate the chapter you are in right now rather than speeding towards the next milestone faster than you need to get there. If you are 21 and there is no legitimate or legal or important reason for you to move in with your partner, do not do it. Don't do it. I had a friend who moved in with somebody when she was 18. They got a mortgage and they got a cat and when they broke up, she was 26. It's one of those typical things where I don't know if you've noticed this. I'm sure you have. After two people break up, suddenly all the problems and difficulties they were having the entire time come out into the open and she kind of admitted at 18, I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to be with this person forever but playing house and having this kind of domestic bliss relationship was something that I imagined for myself since I was a kid and it felt fun at the time and then soon I realized that I was in too deep. Another thing she mentioned to me and this has stuck in my brain since she said it is that it was like she had skipped an entire developmental period of her life, an entire chapter in her life was done. Everybody else was able to have these solo experiences and they were able to have the opportunity to live in a share house by themselves with their friends and make those really deep memories with people and they lived in different states to their partner or a different city and they lived by themselves and she was now coming into these experiences at a time when a lot of her friends had already had them and kind of felt like they had gotten what they needed from it, right? When they broke up, we were 26, 27 and she was like, well, a lot of my friends don't live in share houses anymore, a lot of them don't do these things. So if you have the opportunity to live alone, especially if you have the opportunity to live with people that you care about and friends and to have those like solo fun independent experiences, please, please do it. Walking around Ikea, cooking dinner together, looking at apartments, it's really fun and it's really romantic and it's really cute but like it's not for now. And if you wait for those things, I think it makes it a lot sweeter. I also think this links to a bigger message that I would say the 21 year old me which is just don't rush into adulthood earlier than you need to. Like adulthood is going to hit you face, like it's common. It's not going to wait, like it's going to catch up, right? You're going to get there eventually if you have the privilege of aging and growing up, like eventually things like moving out on your own or moving in with the partner or having this like kind of domestic relationship with somebody or with yourself, like it will happen. You don't need to be doing that prematurely and kind of turning like the metaphorical tap off of all these other experiences that have a time and a place often before you do those things. And it's not to say that like my path was the path you should take and it's not to say that if this worked for you that you should go back on your decision but from myself to myself from me at this age to me at 21 I would say like the thing you are contemplating do not do it really enjoy this time where yes you are attached but you're also unattached. Okay, let's move away from the romantic things for now and onto some more practical matters like money. What would I say to my 21 year old self about money? If you are in your early 20s right now all the way at the back, please listen up. Your savings account should not just be decorative and it should not be something you just put money into and then take out again. If you are doing that regularly so not in emergencies and not for serious need based reasons, you are putting too much money in your savings account and I actually think you would be better off putting less in if that means you are better able to separate kind of like church and stay in your mind. Like if you are able to psychologically separate money that you can spend and money that you have saved and that cannot be touched that is so much better than putting heaps of money in your savings account and then taking it out. I'm going to confess I did not I did not have a proper savings account until I'm going to say my early mid 20s because I was such a financial avoidant financial avoidant is a term I learnt from a 2024 paper that was honestly incredibly eye-opening to me about our money attachment style and it kind of laid out some of the different ways that we mentally approach and we mentally represent our relationship with money. Money has always made me anxious I remember being so fixated on how my parents made money as a kid and whether like they were going to go bankrupt because I was doing all these music classes and whether you know things I was asking forward to expensive like they never gave me a reason to worry about that. I was just like that I was so anxious about money I was always really anxious about like how did celebrities and public figures make money like were they okay what if they weren't working how did they pay their rent I was so interested in like where are they getting their money from what's this person's net worth are they stressed about money are they surviving like how do they afford these lavish lifestyles and it honestly just felt like money was something that only ever caused stress and anxiety and deprivation and so the easiest way to emotionally kind of take care of that was just to ignore it. I would just ignore it that has set me back I can admit that now if 21 year old me had just put 25 dollars a week into her savings account I would have made I would have had a 5k emergency fund by now that's great I would have loved to have five thousand dollars for an emergency fund I saw an interview with and a half of the way I think it was the other day where she said and I really like what she said she said it's not cute to be financially a little bit and I wish I could drill that into the mind of younger me a head in send approach is not a healthy or helpful approach and your future self is not going to be very grateful that you've done that so he'd my warnings get a savings account dealers choice have some kind of understanding about money and how it works and you set yourself up for life or at least for the rest of your 20s at least for the next couple of years okay let's take a short break here when we return let's talk about what if I got on this list the risks you should you should take compared to those you definitely shouldn't oh and my thoughts on grades should we worry about our grades or not? I'll be right back these days there are more people than ever telling you how to manage your health and we've all gone down an internet rabbit hole exploring the latest health trends your social media feed is packed with wellness advice telling you to co plunge protein max detox track your sleep but what's actually real? What's exaggerated? What's just wrong? That's exactly what health versus hype from the American Medical Association and I Heart Media's Ruby Studio is here to find out each episode Emmy nominated science communicator trace the mingers who's racked up billions of views across PBS discovery channel and YouTube talks to health influences real people and most importantly doctors to separate fact from fiction because when it comes to your health who you listen to matters listen to health versus hype on the iHeart Radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts hey it's the chancey plumber from foot around and find out coming out of the draft it's been a special time for us here at foot around I want to thank everyone from the fans to the sponsors especially Geico not just for supporting AZ but for showing up where it matters like the business of women's sports summit that kind of thing really moves the needle and now that AZ starting a new life in Dallas we don't know what next season is going to bring but we know that we're all on the same team and it's been amazing to feel the love and support so keep showing up for our girl show for each other thanks to Geico and our listeners welcome to decoding women's health I'm dr. Elizabeth Pointer chair of women's health and gynecology at the Adrian Health Institute in New York City on this show I'll be talking to top researchers and top clinicians asking them your burning questions and bringing that information about women's health and midlife directly to you 100% of women go through menopause it can be such a struggle for our quality of life but even if it's natural why should we suffer through it the types of symptoms that people talk about is forgetting everything I never used to forget things they could concerned that one they have dementia, and the other one is do I have ADHD? There is unprecedented promise with regard to cannabis and cannabinoids to sleep better, to have less pain, to have better mood, and also to have better day-to-day life. Listen to decoding Women's Health with Dr. Elizabeth Pointer on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts are wherever you're listening now. Your body is always giving you signals. Woop is the wearable health and fitness coach that provides personalized insights until your sleep, recovery, strain, and overall help to help you make better decisions every day. Whether you're training, working, traveling, or just trying to fill your best, Woop shows you what helps your performance and what might be holding you back. Listen to your body, build better habits, see where Woop can take you, try Woop free for 30 days at woop.com. Welcome aboard season 6 of the Girlfriends, Flight or Fight, which takes place 30,000 feet in the sky. There's great food, comfortable chairs, and attentive stewardesses. The stewardesses were so beautiful. But in reality, the stewardess job is far less glamorous than it appears. It was the most sexist job I think you could have. In this era, the airlines told these stewardesses they have to be single. They had no good excuse for why they wouldn't let women be married. They have to be skinny. We were starving ourselves. And they have to be young. You would retire at age 32. But one day, a group of stewardesses said, "This has got to stop." They risked it all, turning a fight for fairness into a revolution. Listen to the Girlfriends, Flight or Fight on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So these next three points are all around, actually they're all around like how to create more luck and more opportunity in our lives. At 21, I had, I think, a very traditional and widely held idea of what made somebody successful and what earned in quotation marks success. This was primarily in my mind just hard work and following as specifically as possible the Capital P plan. The Capital P plan is one that you've probably followed as well or at least you've been informed of which sounds something like this. High school, study hard, do as many extracurriculars as possible. University or college, get into a good one, get into a good college, continue to study hard, internships, networking, summers working, post college, get a prestigious job, continue to work hard, 12 hours a day, move up the corporate ladder, this is your guarantee that you're going to be happy. I'm going to be honest, that worked for me for a while but there is something beyond this system that I think is much more helpful and much more fulfilling and that is a pure audacity and be a strive to fail approach. 21 year old me had a great plan, she had a good plan, she was doing okay but what really shifted things in my life was realizing how many people who were much less qualified than me probably worked a lot less hard than me definitely spent less time planning and ruminating achieved things that I really wanted for myself because they just asked for them and they just did stuff. They didn't just sit around planning, they just like actually went after it. It should be your mission if you were in your 20s, early 20s to appreciate like the remarkable gift of being able to fail continuously for years and years and years and years and still end up exactly where you need to be. That is the gift of our early 20s and that's the worst case scenario, the worst case scenario is that you fail and you fail and you fail and then maybe you win but the majority of the time that like you actually just win a lot earlier and a lot more than you think. A lot of the time trying does not result in failure. It actually results in you know some degree of success, some essential pivot or connection or opportunity. So number one something I'd say to my 21 year old self, shoot all your shots, do not just like leave the ball sitting there and number two trust in the serendipity of things. Younger me was so terrified and worried about how her life was going to turn out because she only had one formula, she only had the capital P plan and she only had like one narrow vision of like what a life that worked out would look like. What I wish you would knew was that a lot of life is a surprise and a lot of success and fulfillment is an accident and also a lot of those accidents take a while to come to fruition. Like a lot of those serendipitous moments you don't you only realize a little while later. For example, when I was in like 19, I took a random international political economy elective where in that course, you had to make a podcast. That was an assignment, make a podcast about a political event. How do I not done that? A year or like no two years later, I wouldn't have known how to do any editing or recording or scripting that allowed me to do what I'm doing now. I don't even remember what that first podcast was about, but it like serendipitously set me up for the career that I now have and that's insane to me sometimes to think about it. Another example is a random person I met at a party when I was 18 was a big reason why I moved to London seven years later and if I hadn't met that person, would I have made that move? Maybe not, probably not to be honest. One more example here because I really do believe in the power of serendipity. I had this discussion with somebody months ago about how we need to make research more accessible and we were talking about it. That became my study of the week series. It's like huge on the sub stack. Even like I changed my major to psychology at the last minute when I was like 18 and that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't had one specific class that I loved. All these things, serendipity has helped me in equal measure to hard work and one of the biggest ways to increase your likelihood of encountering serendipity is to simply just like do more things and to get outside more and to talk to more people and to increase your surface area for that serendipity and that luck to kind of hit you. This is point number five. I think we're up to number five. By this stage, I'm hoping younger Gemma was taking notes but she probably wasn't. However, younger Gemma, stop spending all your Thursday and Friday nights inside and drinking. Allow yourself to be inconvenienced by people and inconvenienced by plans and get outside of your house. Your life is not going to change or evolve or do anything if you don't move and you don't get out of your home, my point above about talking to more people in particular is really important here and it's essentially a less corporate way of saying your network is what makes you. The only way to create a network is to not be at home. When people would say to me when I was younger, like your network is the most important thing for your career, if I'm being honest, I was like, I don't understand that and I don't really care. Over time, I've really witnessed repeatedly how the greatest catalyst for my job, for my life, for my personal life, for my career have not been job applications. It hasn't been anything formal. The biggest pivots in my life have been relationships. For example, people who have spoken highly of me in rooms that I'm not in or who've heard about an opportunity and thought, Gemma might be good for that and told me. Literally last month, I had a chance to do a live podcast recording like in the tallest building in London because somebody pulled out last minute and the person who was hosting this event, I just happened to have been speaking to the week before. We had a relationship. That's literally it. That opportunity was never going to be advertised. There was not going to be any formal procedure for that. Having those relationships because I got out of my home is what made that happen and I don't want this to come across as bragging, especially like being like, I was doing this cool thing. But I also want it to come off as like evidence, like this is, I want this to be a convincing argument for why you should be doing the following things. When you get invited to things, go. Even if you leave after 30 minutes, go. If there is some kind of live show, networking event, talk, anything you're interested in, be there. Go to that thing. Do not expect your life to change from your bedroom. Because I truly believed it could at that age, at 21, I wasn't doing nearly enough and I feel like I would have had more opportunities if I had, additionally, and I'm going to treat this as a separate point. Do not let drinking be your only form of socialization. I was saying this to a friend the other day, what was I saying? I basically was saying to them, going out for drinks is so boring. It's so boring. You sit around, you spend $40 and then less like you're going somewhere, you just rehash the same stories and somebody's probably heard the story before and somebody, the person telling it's already lived this story, especially in my early 20s, like every activity had to have some kind of alcohol involved and it's just a social crutch and it actually doesn't help you create as many memories. So take a break from it for a second, give your liver a break for stars. for your health and actually engage with people in a way that like builds shared experiences. Because a lot of my stories back then started with like oh well we would drunk that one night or like remember that time we were like when and did this and like remember when we were drunk doing that remember when we were drinking at home don't get me wrong I love a wine I love a gossip but did I like it enough to be doing it four to five times a week and then actually not even going anywhere probably not and I wished that at 21 I'd gone outside I'd explored I'd experienced more I think I also wish I'd get on into nature and gotten a few more hobbies that didn't just revolve around drinking and I will give myself some grace like it was lockdown when this was happening so there wasn't as much to be done I probably should have mentioned that at the beginning but even so like where I was living we didn't have a serious lockdown there was heaps of stuff that I could have been doing like I could have been out in nature I could have been doing so much fun stuff and I do think it's a right of passage in our early 20s for drinking to be this this problem or at least this thing that we're very fixated on 21 rule of me give it a rest give it a little rest for a while I want to return to an earlier point here for a second I've got my little notes up with my points before we get into the final break I spoke earlier about this idea of the the capital P plan and one of the biggest components of that plan as you may have noticed was study now a little bit later we're going to dive into some of the advice that you the listeners would have for your 21 year old selves and people who were in their early 20s we're going to get to that but one thing that came up a lot and which was quite interesting was this split half of the time people mentioned grades they said care less about grades and the other half of the time people said care more and invest more I'm going to give my opinion if younger me was to ask currently who should I side with I'm going to side with teen care less my life at 21 was home study study study drink with friends sleep study study study home drink with friends and study some more and it's it's hard that age should not be preoccupied with grades because it feels like one of life's few guaranteed promises like there seems to be a direct correlate between input and output like it is a safe investment to emphasize study if you get good grades you're at least can it like something's going to come to you some there's going to be some kind of reward now these days can I tell you and all seriousness like what good grades got me like it kind of got me very little like I can't remember the last time somebody asked to see my GPA I couldn't tell you a single score that I received on an exam or an essay none of it you know I was in a grad cohort of people much smarter than me who had a lot more fun than I had and had gotten much worse grades and yet here we were in the same place like grades unlock very specific opportunities I understand that's if you're trying to get into med school or law school or a specific program feel free to disregard this however in general a good grade I have learned can be supplemented by life experience and it can be supplemented by that aforementioned like audacity or entrepreneurial spirit in my mind or just experiences additionally like say you didn't get good grades and you feel like that's limited your opportunities and you feel like it's held you back very few people end their working life with the job that they began with the memory of grades and the memory of GPAs and test scores you will realize fades extremely quickly when you enter the workplace and I think that's really important to inform you of especially if you're still in uni or school and you're quite fixated on it or you're feeling very demoralized by a bad term or a bad semester I'm gonna give you a gemis bag psychology of your 20s promise right here right now your future boss will not care about what your grades are if you work hard and you're nice to work with and you show some enthusiasm very quickly it becomes something nobody talks about okay I feel like I've done I think I've done six lessons six six things that I would really tell my younger self I wanted to hear from you guys what did you have to say what were your points about this and I collected some of them put them into a little list let's talk about them after this short break these days there are more people than ever telling you how to manage your health and we've all gone down an internet rabbit hole exploring the latest health trends your social media feed is packed with wellness advice telling you to co plunge protein max detox track your sleep but what's actually real what's exaggerated what's just wrong that's exactly what health versus hype from the American Medical Association and iHot Media's Ruby Studio is here to find out each episode Emmy nominated science communicator trace the Minges who's racked up billions of views across PBS discovery channel and YouTube talks to health influencers real people and most importantly doctors to separate fact from fiction because when it comes to your health who you listen to matters listen to health versus hype on the iHot Radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts hey it's the shanti plumber from foot around and find out coming out of the draft it's been a special time for us here at foot around i want to thank everyone from the fans to the sponsors especially geico not just for supporting azy but for showing up where it matters like the business of women's sports summit that kind of thing really moves the needle and now that azy starting a new life in Dallas we don't know what next season is going to bring but we know that we're all on the same team and it's been amazing to feel the love and support so keep showing up for our girl show for each other thanks to geico and our listeners welcome to decoding women's health i'm dr. Elizabeth pointer chair of women's health and gynecology at the atria health institute in new york city on this show i'll be talking to top researchers and top clinicians asking them your burning questions and bringing that information about women's health and midlife directly to you 100 percent of women go through menopause it can be such a struggle for our quality of life but even if it's natural why should we suffer through it the types of symptoms that people talk about is forgetting everything i never used to forget things they're concerned that one they have dementia and the other one is do i have ADHD there is unprecedented promise with regard to cannabis and cannabinoids to sleep better to have less pain to have better mood and also to have better day to day life listen to decoding women's health with dr. Elizabeth pointer on the i heart radio app apple podcasts are wherever you're listening now your body is always giving you signals who helps you understand them whoop is the wearable health and fitness coach that provides personalized insights until your sleep recovery strain and overall help to help you make better decisions every day whether you're training working traveling or just trying to fill your best whoop shows you what helps your performance and what might be holding you back listen to your body build better habits see where whoop can take you try whoop free for 30 days at whoop.com welcome aboard season six of the girlfriends flight or fight which takes place 30,000 feet in the sky there's great food comfortable chairs and attentive stewardesses the stewardesses were so beautiful but in reality the stewardess job is far less glamorous than it appears it was the most sexist job i think you could have in this era the airlines told these stewardesses they have to be single they had no good excuse for why they wouldn't let women be married they have to be skinny we were starving ourselves and they have to be young you would retire at age 32 but one day a group of stewardesses said this has got to stop they risked it all turning a fight for fairness into a revolution listen to the girlfriends flight or fight on the iHeart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts so as i said in thinking about this episode i knew i also wanted to hear from you guys like i am just one person these are the lessons that i'd impress on on my younger self and they may not be the lessons that your younger self needed or would resonate with like these lessons these these things that i would scream at her like they are based on a very narrow life perspective i either life of one person so i wanted to hear your collective wisdom as well we had over a thousand responses a lot of responses and it was difficult to kind of siphon them down but here is here is a curated selection of my favorites what would you the listeners scream shout yell grab impress on your younger selves Number one, don't hang out with people you don't want to be like. I will say there is psychological evidence for this one. Behavioral and emotional contagion is a real thing, a very real phenomena, and the attitudes and personalities of those around you is going to have an effect on your own attitude and personality. So if you don't admire and respect the people in your life and the people in your social circles, break out of that circle, run far away, you will make new friends. Okay, number two, I love this one. Don't let doctors dismiss your symptoms. I actually think I probably should have put this one on my list. There were so many things that were going wrong or not didn't feel right in my body at 21 and I would go to the doctor and they would just say, you're fine, it's just anxiety. And now that I'm older, they have actually turned into very serious things that like now need treatment and now need medication. And I get so mad thinking about those doctors who could have just listened to me and I also get kind of sad for my younger self who didn't just like speak up for herself and didn't say pay attention to me or didn't ask for a referral or another opinion. If you're 21 and you're like something might not be right, I can, I don't feel good in my body or my mind or I just know that something's off, advocate for yourself, push, push your doctors. You are paying for that service. It is a service that your past, maybe your taxes pay for or you are paying for out of pocket. It is there to serve you and to make you well. So if it's not making you well because you're still there stressed anxious, not feeling good, it is your right to keep pushing in and to get an answer. Even if that answer is actually know everything is all right, the peace of mind that it will give you will just be so, so valuable. Okay, number three, this one I love, try not to grow up, get a degree in full-time work so quickly, take a gap year, take two, take your time. This next one was funny because these two things came up right next to each other. The first one was date him, the other one was don't date him, which I think was funny. This one also good, you are not making a life-changing decision when you choose a college or choose a major. This person said 21 year old me has to understand that paths unexpectedly converge. I 100% agree with that. Go dancing. There's another one that somebody would scrim at their younger self, let your friends make their own mistakes. That's a big sign of emotional maturity when you can let your friends do that. Don't get a boob job. That's what they would say to their younger self. I haven't gotten a boob job so I don't know if I could relate to that one, but take that as you will. Be careful with credit cards. Yes, be careful with credit cards. That goes hand in hand with the savings one. If you don't have the financial literacy to save or to budget or to do any of those things, like if you don't just have the skills or even the income yet, do not get a credit card. It will, it spells danger. This was another funny one. Again, literally these were side by side. When I tell you I was reading through and it was like, this one came up and then the second one came up right afterwards. They said, "Date the 28 year old." That's what I would tell my 21 year old self. The other one said, "Don't date the 28 year old from work," which I thought was funny. This was a theme, actually. This was a theme in itself. Time and time again, I would see this thing where one person would be like buy stocks instead of dinner at the club and then somebody else would be like, "Who cares about being financially responsible? Go and have a drink." Somebody would be like, "I would tell my 21 year old self to like, yeah, marry their childhood sweetheart." And then somebody else would be like, "Don't marry your childhood sweetheart." The contradictions and the differing opinions contained here. I think actually create a beautiful summary and a beautiful ending to this episode. And it actually kind of leads into the final thing I would say to 21 year old me. And it might actually undermine everything else I've said. So I'm sorry, I've brought you here under a bruise and I'm about to completely contradict a lot of my advice. But the final thing I would imprint on my younger self. Somebody else's advice may be helpful, but it's not everything. You don't have to believe or follow or abide by what somebody else suggests just because they think it's what's best for you or just because it worked for them. I think the scariest thing about our 20s is that they are defined by a lack of definition, right? Nothing feels known. And that creates a desire to find clarity or certainty in any corner that we can. That is simply a human urge. It's a human urge to insert any kind of structure or rule book or guidelines where sometimes one just simply doesn't exist. And in that desire for clarity, where sometimes imprisoned by this constant rumination and this constant thought of, "Am I making the right choices? Am I making the right mistakes? How do I make my life turn out perfectly?" It just will. I've been in such a strange state recently as I contemplate my next chapter and my 30s and what comes next. And I'm going to make the psychology of your 30s. And it is a similar state to how I felt it 21. And what I continue to remind myself is things never turned out exactly as planned. They turned out very differently. They also turned out so much better. And even when they didn't turn out so much better, they turned out okay. Every single mistake, every single thing moment led to this perfect and it's not even a finale. It sounds like I'm at the end. But it's not a finale. It led to these perfect circumstances that I wouldn't change. And there were a lot of things that got me to this place, terrible boyfriends, terrible grades, really big, friendshipful acts where like I was the one and the wrong and I still feel guilty about it and bad, bad financial decisions. Let me tell you that. I've made bad financial choices. Would I make them again? No. But how can I say that if I didn't make that bad choice, I would be any better off? I actually can't. And so the best thing I can say to myself is, well, that had to happen. That had to be some reason behind that to bring me to where I am. And there always is, I don't want to say a reason, but there always is this serendipity and this kind of invisible string that you will be able to connect through your life experiences that have brought you to where you are. So if you are in your early 20s, especially if you are 21 or younger, I get so many messages. It's just there's just so much anxiety and so much fear and I just feel so much deep empathy for you because I remember how that felt so supremely and how it felt like nothing was ever going to make sense. I wanted somebody to tell me that my life was going to be okay. And here I am five, six years, I can't remember about five years, I guess, later down the line. And it's like a gift that only hindsight can give you. So keep pushing on. It's all going to be fine. Take what I say with it with a grain of salt. As I said, half of the people said this, half of the people said that when it came to grades, when it came to age gap relationships, when it came to marriage in your early 20s. So do what feels right, know that all mistakes are in some ways a form of guidance and bring you to perhaps where you need to be. So that is all for today. That is the 10 things I would say. I would scream. I would give on a nice golden platter to my younger self. I want to hear yours. If there is anything in this episode that you felt I should have included or something that you really think people who are younger 21, 22, 19 need to know. Leave a comment down below, especially if you are listening on Spotify. I'd love to hear from you. Make sure that you are following us on Instagram at that psychology podcast so you know when your episodes come out or you can hit follow slash subscribe wherever you are listening. We also have a sub stack where I shared this full list so you can go and follow us over there and a final reminder. If you haven't yet, please watch an episode on Netflix. It is one of the easiest ways to help out this podcast. So if you've ever gotten even a tiny tiny little bit of joy or comfort or I don't know, factoid or assurance from this podcast, please go and watch an episode if you have Netflix. It really shows them that podcasts like this are important and it's a great way to help me out. I hope you enjoyed the episode. Until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon. Wolf helps you understand them. Wolf is the wearable health and fitness coach that provides personalized insights until your sleep, recovery, strain and overall help to help you make better decisions every day, whether you're training, working, traveling or just trying to fill your best. Wolf shows you what helps your performance and what might be holding you back. Listen to your body, build better habits, see where whoop can take you. Try whoop free for 30 days at whoop.com. Hey, it's Shanty Plummer from Futurown and find out. Coming out of the drop, it's been a special time for us here at Futurown. I want to thank everyone from the fans to the sponsors, especially Geico, not just for supporting AZ, but for showing up where it matters, like the business of Women's Sports. summit. And now that Azie starting a new life in Dallas, we don't know what next season is going to bring. But we know that we're all on the same team. So keep showing up for our girl, show for each other. Thanks to Geiko and our listeners. This is Robert Smith from Business History. If you're listening to this, there's a good chance you're a small business owner. And like every small business owner, you started with a dream to do what you love and watch it grow. What you probably didn't dream about, keeping up with cyber threats. That's where MasterCard can help with access to tools that help identify cyber threats to better protect your business. Building a dream business, priceless. For cyber security in a changing world, there's MasterCard. Learn more at mastercard.com/smallbusiness. Okay, laundry stinks. 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