Speaker 1all right summer is over we're back to school this week for my counseling diploma degree and i wanted today to talk about reflect on another sober summer and first off i want to say if you got through this sober if you got through this summer sober congratulations i'm proud of you summer is not an easy time for any of us to stay sober no matter how much time you have in recovery a lot of associations with summer for me patios sports baseball outdoors beach were related to drinking and drugging hell i get triggered by a sunny day when i when it's a nice day outside i associate that with using cocaine and if you i also want to say this too if you did not stay sober this summer that's okay and i'm proud of you for being here and i'm proud of you for trying to do better and coming back i will be the first to tell you that coming back from a slip a relapse is the hardest thing i've ever done so i commend you for trying to do better for trying to make change to for trying to stop doing things your way if you're here listening to this that tells me that you're actively looking for solutions in your life and you are not alone i can tell you that firsthand there are people that are struggling just like you and there are people that are also on the other side and wanting to help you but you have to do the work to go and find those people they're not going to come rescue you and that's just something i've learned so i want to talk about lessons from another sober summer and things that i often think about i journal about things that help me understand recovery more and revelations i've had over the past four months five months of working a recovery program it's not easy man it this stuff is not easy none of this stuff is easy no one said it would be easy but it is awfully simple and we tend to over complicate it i tend to over complicate things and think that things are more complex than make things more complex than they need to be so i'm going to try and simplify it for you in this episode and we're going to talk about 10 thoughts reflections that i've had from getting another summer under my belt in sobriety welcome back or welcome to recovering a lot of podcasts my name is anthony i'm an alcoholic and an addict been in recovery since 2015 had a relapse at about seven and a half years and today i am around a year and a half just over a year and a half sober again summer was fun man it was a fun summer we weren't as busy as we usually are we didn't have a lot of weddings this year like we usually do but there was a lot of stuff that involved drinking that i had to go to and stay sober and i can tell you if you go to those events sober and your head is screaming to pick up a drink or a drug it will fade it does get better there was a time i always talk about this where in my first three months of coming back from my third rehab i was thinking about using cocaine every single day so i called the guy that was my mentor at the time and i told him about it every single time the thought came into my head every time the thought wouldn't leave my head it's one thing to have a thought it's another thing to have a rumination where that thought doesn't leave and it keeps popping up those are the things i try to get out loud and talk about because if i don't they stay in my head they start to seem like a really good idea and i will justify and rationalize the out of it until i'm eventually acting on that thought usually my thoughts are wrong usually they're not in my control and they come out of nowhere and i try to remind myself of that so let's get into it i'm glad you're here i am not a victim i am not responsible for my disease but i am responsible for how i handle it i like to say i this goes for you too maybe we are not responsible for our disease the cards we are dealt you have this thing you might have this thing what are you going to do about it now i can't play the victim anymore because that doesn't get me anywhere when i am the victim in my life in all scenarios not just an addiction but in recovery too it puts me in a place where i am unable to see a way out i'm unable to find hope and i'm doomed i'm stuck in the problem and not looking for the solution which recovery to me is all about getting into the solution and finding people with the solution a solution conscious contact with others and a power greater than myself but if it's not that for you then contact conscious contact with other people because in my opinion god speaks through other people the universe speaks through other people and it's up to me to listen to get that message because there is always a message there there is always a solution to my problems the issue is my brain is too loud to receive that message my brain is so hung up on me and i'm the victim i'm the center everything's happening to me against me all the time that i'm unable to step out of my perspective and i'm unable to see that actually i play a part in this i actually need to look at my mistakes and not other people's mistakes i can i spend a lot of time being the victim in my life and poor me and only don't you know if you had alcoholism and addiction you'd be just as pissed off and angry and resentful as i would be you don't know how it feels and well truth is a lot of people do know how you feel the more i sit in that victim mentality the worse my life gets because like i said it feels like a hole that i can't get out of and instead of taking it out of my head it feels like a hole that i can't get out of and instead of taking it out of my head i feel like a hole that i can't get out of and instead of taking it out of my head i feel like a hole that i can't get out of and instead of taking it out of my head i feel like a hole that i can't get out of and instead of taking the steps from the ladder that was thrown down to me by other people i am unable to see the ladder i'm stuck in the hole and i'll always be stuck in the hole and it's a horrible place to be this thought came to me when i was working with a new guy and you know he was mentioning how taking other people's inventory and focusing on all the wrongs that were done to them and i do this too where i'm stuck in the hole and i'll always be stuck in the hole and it's a horrible place to be this thought came to me when i was working with a new guy and you know he was mentioning how taking other people's inventory and focusing on all the wrongs that were done to them and i do this too where i'm stuck in the hole and i'll always be stuck in the hole and it's a horrible place to be this thought came to me when i was working with a new guy and you know he was mentioning how taking other people's inventory and focusing on all the wrongs that were done to them and i do this too where i don't see my side of the street i'm unable it's like i have my side's blurry but i can see everyone else's side clearly you did this they did that if only i had this my life would be better if only this went that way my life would be better if only my job would pay me more the list goes on you are not a victim look for solutions you are a survivor a survivor of one of the deadliest diseases in the world a disease that tells you you don't have a disease what are you going to do about it two i will never comprehend the pain i have caused my loved ones and the people around me there's times in my recovery where things will be going perfectly fine in my day and my mom my wife my sister will bring up a time when oh man remember when you did this and did that and it just pains me in my soul to hear and to take it but we don't how many times do we spend in addiction saying i'm only hurting me one of the biggest lies in addiction recovery is i'm only hurting myself i'm not hurting anyone else meanwhile there's three people four people five people hopefully around you worried about you and then four or five people for each of those people that are worried about them because they're worried about you and they're using you you like their drug that they're so co-dependent on you doing well your supporters your family your loved ones that when you aren't doing well they're a complete mess because they're always thinking about how you're doing and if you're going to die i will never begin to understand comprehend put into words the amount of pain i've caused my family as a result of my relapse my addiction and i can't get them healing faster than they need to heal i can't control the speed at which they heal from my pain that i've caused them one of my living amends today to my wife is whenever she wants to do something active i turn my brain off and i say yes i would love to and i enthusiastically as best as i can do that activity to the best of my ability i'm not perfect at it but that is one of the ways in which i know how to make amends saying yes to things that especially when i don't want to do them because it's not about me and how many nights did she wait up on the couch for me to come home not knowing where i was not knowing if i was alive and i had no idea what a gift that she's able to tell me the pain that i have caused so that i can understand a little bit more what the ripple effect that my addiction caused i can practice empathy and put myself in other people's shoes for the entirety of their life up until this point to try and understand what they went through being around addiction addiction is a family disease it is also a family recovery three recovery is not a switch you turn on once this is a daily program of action i cannot go to rehab turn on the recovery switch and i'm cured for life there's no cure to this is i have a daily recovery reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. That's just me. I believe spirituality is deeper than a lot of people realize. I believe spirituality can be connected to anything bigger than you, including the elements, the wind, the sun, the outdoors, the animals around you, the people around you. What is your spiritual condition like? How am I acting in the world today? Am I following the principles of recovery? Am I doing the do things that got me sober that I see other people doing that get them sober? Mainly service, the most important one. Can I turn off my ego or put it aside and do things I don't necessarily believe in? Do things I don't necessarily feel like doing because the results, the, sorry, the suggestions are coming from someone doing better than me. I, yesterday, recovery will not keep me sober today. It won't. I have to buy in every single day. I have to tap into this thing every single day, tap into your program. It's going to look different too. Your effort is going to look different on different days and that's okay. Am I actively progressing towards recovery or progressing towards relapse? There's no middle ground in my experience for my biggest problem is I'm right. Closed mindedness. This one is especially true for me this last year. I've, my relapse happened for a multitude of reasons. I can go on, give you a list of reasons why it happened. Secrets and double life and isolation. And I've got this, but at the end of the day, it was the closed mind that got me because the closed mindedness can umbrella everything else. If I'm right and you're wrong, then there's only one way to do things. And that's my way. I'm living in ego. I am not open to new ideas. I am not certainly not open to discarding my old ideas, which is the entirety of recovery. In my experience, my opinion, I don't need to learn more in recovery. I need to unlearn more. I need to let go of more old conceptions, old ideas, old behaviors, old patterns, old beliefs, things that I am sure on things that without a doubt, I know in my life that just aren't true. They're not, they're not. So it is not the things I do not know. It is the things in which I know for sure that just aren't so uncover, discover, discard. I come into recovery with a lot of conceptions, old ideas, old beliefs, things that I'm a hundred percent sure on judgments. That's another one. Every resentment is, it starts with a judgment. That's my biggest, I'm judging. I'm like the judge executioner. Speaker 1 : Walking around outside, putting my opinions on the world. I have an opinion on everything. It was my default. Why are they doing it that way? They're wrong. Why don't they do it this way? That's this is the best way I'm right. The problem with being right all the time is you're trapped in a prison of expectation. And if, and no, and no, one's ever going to live up to that expectation. You're putting people onto these extremely on. Speaker 2 : Necessary perfectionistic goals and including yourself that will never be achieved. And then I'm never happy because my expectations are my, my wants are always way further than my needs. I am in want all the time. I am in take mode instead of give mode. I am focusing on lack in my life instead of abundance and all the things that I have gratitude for the things that I do have, including my recovery. Speaker 1 : And my sobriety, would you be rather be right or free? I'd rather be free today than in constant collision with everything and everyone else around me. This low level anxiety and resentment just follows me around when I'm in expectation of everything and everyone. When I have a script that nobody is following, I'm the sheriff of the universe. If only you followed my plan and listen to me and you're doing it wrong, and that's wrong. And you're wrong. Me, me, me, me, me. Eventually those feelings will need to be managed by substances or outside things to change my insides. Five isolation is addiction's best friend. It thrives here. Yeah. Isolation is a tough one because how many times do we, do I tell myself that this is, this is good for me. I'm taking care of myself today by staying at home and not connecting with other people, not calling anyone. I'm doing me time. And sure. We need to take care of ourselves in recovery, but it's about balance again. Am I focusing too much on isolating and am I avoiding things because they're uncomfortable and I'm in fear and I'd rather take the easy way out. It's easy to stay at home. It's hard to go out and connect with people, but it's so rewarding when I connect with people because I'm not in my head when I am at home, I am mostly in my head. I'm worried about me and my problems and my simulations of the future. Six relapse happens when my life gets bigger and better. And I think I'm the one who created that and cultivated it. I came into recovery, not doing it on my own. I didn't get sober on my own. I don't stay sober on my own. The problem is after time life starts to get good, you start to look around and sink through, think to yourself, man, my life is pretty good today. I did all of this. Good job, Anthony. I'm proud of you. We don't need anyone's help. That voice in your head is telling you, you've got this. You don't need to go to that meeting. That was a little overkill in the beginning. You don't need to call that guy because you're doing all right. And we've got, we've got this under control because there's nothing, there's no imminent threats in your life. When you get sober and stay sober for a while, you're just good. And I don't need any program. I don't need any direction because I've got this. And it's been my experience that people that relapse with long-term recovery, it's not when things go south. It's when things get good. When things go south, we tend to lean into a recovery program because I need help and I'm scared and things around me are falling apart and the world and the sky is falling. I don't want to do this on my own. I need help. It's when things get good that I need to be on high alert because I can think that I did all of the good. I created all the good. It's a result of my willpower and effort. And that doesn't mean that you're not working hard. It doesn't mean that you don't need to put in the work in the beginning, the steps it's trying to control the outcomes. It's I created the outcomes and I am in control of all the outcomes. That's the dangerous, that's the trap. In my opinion, it's simply, I stopped doing the things that helped me get sober because I don't need to do them. And that's a dangerous place to be. It's only a matter of time before that house crumbles down on me. Six, seven, sorry, seven. Helping the newcomer is the key to sobriety. I need to go and find them. Yeah. This is something that I'm, I don't do enough and I beat myself up for. I have guys in my life that I was working with that I don't get too upset when they disappear because I don't want to do the work. I don't want to help people. And that's not right. It's not the, it's not who I want to be. It's not the kind of man I want to be. I need to go out and find people to help get sober because my sobriety depends on it. It tells me that in the text of certain recovery fellowships. And it's true when I'm helping other people, I'm not thinking about myself. I'm not thinking about my problems. I am connected to a power greater than myself service. That's a power greater. than me. I tend to do things that only benefit me in the long run. And I heard this the other day on a speaker tape that it really shifted the way I looked at it. But if, if you, the guy said, if you are working service, if you're being of service only in your home with your family, it, it still benefits you by you being a good person and working a service program in your home and the company and your friends around you, it directly benefits you when helping a stranger, a newcomer, someone you don't know, or have any emotional tie to has no bearing on the outcome of, of, and in any positive way in your life, it doesn't directly impact you doing better, getting things. It it's going out of your way. Service is means little service means little, little when it's convenient. It means way more when I am going out of my way to help somebody and finding a new addict alcoholic and saying, Hey, I'm gonna help you. What's your number, getting their number and calling them. I don't do this enough. And I think a lot of us don't do this enough, but it's something I wanna work on. We can get really comfortable in our program and think, yeah, I don't need to help anyone. I'm good. Eight. I am wrong. About 99% of my fears simulated outcomes. Remember more in imagination than in reality, famous quote from Seneca, the philosopher, We suffer more in imagination than in reality. My brain is like the director's cut of a movie. It just has all the possible outcomes, the craziest possible outcomes, assumptions, judgments, simulations. And it's all a lie. It's not based in reality. It's based in my fears. It's based in my insecurities. It's based in my how I'm doing that day, a reflection of myself, really. And so I think about this a lot, but whenever I am in fear of something, usually it means I need to go towards it. Whenever I am feeling resistance towards doing a certain thing, it usually means I need to run right into it headfirst and tackle it. Because on the other side of that is a great reward, is freedom, is peace, is realization about yourself, growth. This one plagues me a lot because I'm a great imaginator. I can spin stories about anything. And they're all based in false, falsivity, falsity. I don't even know what that word is. They're not based in reality. It's delusion. I'm delusional about how things will turn out. Because if I'm in control of the worst outcome, I know what's going to happen, then I feel better. It's the lack of control that scares me. The lack of knowing, the lack of faith. The opposite of fear is faith. Having faith that whatever happens, if I just show up, I'm going to be okay. It'll all get taken care of eventually. Not the way I think it will and not in my time, but I will be taken care of. Nine, recovery meetings are more valuable in the 15 to 20 minutes before and after the actual meeting. Yes, going to a meeting is great if meetings are your thing. If not, that's fine too. Going to recovery communities, events, outings with other sober people, I get more in the before and after. The talking. Opening up than I do in the actual meeting itself. I try to go early to my group and to other groups so that I can catch up with people, meet a newcomer, get out of my comfort zone. It's easy to go and sit in a meeting for an hour and then leave right after. It's easy. The hard part is having that difficult conversation with someone you don't know, or maybe someone you haven't seen in a while, or maybe the new guy that you're sure doesn't want to talk to you. And then you go and shake their hand and they're elated to be greeted. And they're ecstatic that somebody welcomed them. I remember Dan, the first guy that ever met me at my old home group 12 years ago, 10 years ago.
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Speaker 1I'll never forget that handshake. Old guy, Dan. What a gem. What a beauty. I still remember that to this day. He welcomed me into that group and I felt at home when that happened. I remember exactly the moment and how connected. I felt in that moment, how belonged, the belonging I felt. And it was because he went out of his way to shake my hand and say, welcome and talk to me. It was a five minute, 10 minute conversation. And I still remember it today. 10 years ago. You never know who you'd be helping by simply saying hi and smiling. 10. My finite brain can never comprehend God, the universe's infinite plan power until after. Yes. Life is only. I've only lived forward and understood in reverse. I can't see the great plan. Everything is, it's all just a part of the plan. And if I am not happy with that plan in the moment, it's just because I haven't seen the outcome yet. I haven't seen how the movie ends. I haven't seen how it plays out. I'm not getting what I want. And so therefore I'm in resentment when it's all just a part of the plan. And this is a step on the road to freedom on the road to something greater. another one opens. It's so cliche, but it's true. How many times have I been upset with an outcome only to find out a year or five months, three months, a week later, it was exactly how it needed to happen so that I have this bigger thing now. Think about that in your life. I can guarantee you, you'll find one where you thought this was the end and it turned out to be the most beautiful gift. Your addiction is the perfect example. I, when I found out that I had to work on my addiction every single day and I had this disease, I was torn apart. I was in the deepest depths of depression. When I first found out today, it's the greatest gift in my life. And I can't even, I'm not even, there's no, I can't even put into words how true that is. Maybe what you're going through right now is all just a part of the plan. Maybe this has to happen so that you'll get the bigger gift on the other side. Patience, tolerance, faith, trust. They're hard things to do in the moment, but the more you practice it, the easier it gets. And then the more you're reminded, Oh yeah, this was all just a part of the plan. I know it's going to work out. And I know I'm going to be happy one day because my needs and my wants are eventually going to line up. And I'm not always in wanting. I get my needs met every single time. How do I bring my wants down to my needs? Recovery is fun. Recovery is beautiful, but it doesn't always seem that way. My life today is greater than I could have ever imagined. And it's not perfect by any means. And I don't get what I want a lot of the time, but at the end of the night, I put my head down on the pillow and I'm free. I don't worry about dying. I don't worry about my family leaving me. I don't worry about losing my job and my everything all at once all the time. I'm not in constant fear. I'm free today. Recovery is simple, not easy. And if no one's told you this yet today, I love you.
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