Speaker 1Today, I want to talk about things that alcoholics do that normal drinkers don't do. These might make you an alcoholic. So if you identify with any of these, look, at the end of the day, I can't tell you you're an alcoholic or not. Nobody can. You can only decide whether you fit into this category of problem drinking or not. From a high level, it's, I call myself an alcoholic because I have an allergic reaction to alcohol. When I drink, I want more. When I drink, I want drugs. I have an abnormal reaction. I'm allergic to alcohol. Something happens in my brain and my body that makes me crave more. There's an obsession of the mind when I'm not using or drinking. I'm thinking about using or drinking or how I'm going to get money or planning or prodding around it. And then there's a physical allergy. When I put it in me, I can't stop. And there's a caveat to this. I always tell newcomers and new people, there have been times, excuse me, where I have been able. To have a few drinks and then go on and go to sleep at night early on in my recovery. My disease has progressed so much now so that when I put one of anything in my body, my brain starts going and maybe I'll be okay for a week. But the insidiousness of alcoholism and addiction is that eventually I will lead back to my drug of choice. Eventually I will be led back to. The use despite adverse consequences. That's really what addiction is. Continued use despite adverse consequences. And so if you're in a place where maybe you're thinking I might be an alcoholic or not, and you're not sure when you start drinking, do you lose power and control? Do you drink more than you say you're going to drink? And then when you're not drinking, are you thinking about drinking? When you pick up, can you stop? When you say you're not going to drink. Do you not drink? And be honest with yourself. Our brains do this funny thing where we try to justify and rationalize. Oh yeah, but you know, I eventually stopped. I was, I only blackout sometimes. I only binge drink. I don't drink every day. That's your disease talking to you, trying to keep you stuck. At least that's been my experience. So maybe this episode will help you identify whether or not you should seek help. At the end. At the end of the day, I love, I love putting it simply like this. When you drink or do drugs, do you like what happens? Just ask yourself that honestly, when I drink or do drugs, do I like what happens? And if the answer is no, then maybe it's time to seek some help, which is not a bad thing. There's thousands of us that can help you and you're not alone. I guarantee you whatever you're going through, you're not alone. I've heard it all. Your circumstances have been felt before by somebody, which also means that you can help that person. That's struggling with what you're struggling with. What a gift. Do you like what happens when you pick up? I didn't. Every time I picked up my life turned to shit and maybe not right away, but if you follow the thread and play the tape all the way through, what happens when you pick up? Only you can answer the question. Have you ever stood in a liquor store doing math? Not price math, supply math. How many days is this? When do I come back? Will it be? Will it be the same guy behind the counter? Normal people don't do that. And again, I want to say this too. When I say normal people, I'm not, I don't want you to think that you're crazy. Okay. We're not talking about normal, crazy, normal, not normal. I don't, the terminology don't get hung up on it. I'm talking about normal drinkers, not problem drinkers, not heavy drinker, maybe heavy drinkers, but just people that aren't alcoholics. I have no problem calling myself not normal today because I know I'm not the thoughts that I have. That's fine. There's tons of not normal people in here that aren't in the world that aren't alcoholics. I know lots of them. And I actually prefer to hang out with the not normal people because they're more fun. We're fun. Be fun with me. If you know, you know, this one's for you. I'm not a doctor. I'm just a guy who did all 10 of these things. This is a list of things I thought were normal until I got sober and realized nobody else was living like this. So let's get into it. Welcome back or welcome to recovery. Covering out loud podcast. My name is Anthony. I'm an alcoholic and an addict. Been in recovery since 2015. Had a relapse at about seven and a half years. I am one and a half years sober again today. Grateful to be alive. Grateful to be sober. Grateful to be doing this podcast. And thank you to everyone who's following. If you're not following yet, please follow the podcast. It's the best payment I could get from you. And it's free. One supply math, always knowing exactly how much is left in the house to the ounce. So this goes with. Drugs too, by the way, when I'm talking about alcoholic addict, it's pretty interchangeable. A lot of this stuff is related to alcohol, but for me, like I said to you, alcohol was a gateway for me to doing more drugs. I can't have any of any mood or mind altering substances. I have substances. I have lost my right to chemical peace of mind today. It's it. It's gone. I can't control my emotions, my peace of mind with chemicals. I've tried for years and it always ends up worse and worse. So supply math applies for how much knowing how much alcohol is left in the house, knowing where all the alcohol is in the house. It also applies to knowing where all the drugs are. I had a hiding spot behind my toilet. That is hilarious to me today because it was a pretty good hiding spot. The funny thing is, is I lost a lot of drugs back there because it was such a big hole in the back of the toilet. And if you have a hiding spot in your house, you might be an alcoholic or an addict. I put all my drugs back there. And I think one of the plumbers actually that came up with it. Came by to fix our toilet one time. I think he took them all after I got sober, which is fine. Also, another funny anecdote story here. I was going through my dress shoes before I had to go to a wedding a few months ago when again in sobriety and in one of my dress shoes in the closet was a bottle of pills that I forgot about. I threw them down the toilet, but it was triggering for sure. You know, the your mind starts racing and saying, oh, man, I can't believe I didn't do these. What an idiot. I left drugs. What a waste. And then I threw them down the toilet and laughed about it to pre gaming the event to drink. So you're drinking or doing drugs before the thing where you'll be drinking or doing drugs. So nobody sees the real number. You're showing up a little loose, a little warmed up, and you're kind of embarrassed, a little ashamed to know. You might be doing this with other people, too. But I found that I was doing this by myself. I needed to get my baseline amount of ADHD medication. In me before I went out and did anything. And let's be honest. By the end, I wasn't going out. I was stuck in hotel rooms by myself using until all hours of the night arriving, warmed up and calling it, taking the edge off. Everyone does this. What's the big deal? I wasn't nervous about the party. I was nervous about the party and the people seeing me drink like I drink or use like I use three. The concept of one being foreign. Yeah. Can anyone relate to anyone know what one is? The point of one? I'm just going to have one beer. Famous last words. Normal people say, I'll just have one and mean it for us. One was a starting pistol. It was not the finish line. Yeah. Just don't have one simple, not easy. Just don't have one today. Just don't pick up. That's what they told me when I came in. One drink is like a potato chip that ruins your life that you just can't have one for. Casing the venue for booze first. So you arrive at a wedding, you're, you're, you're casing the place. You're seeing all the ways you can get liquor into your system. Your eyes go straight to an open bar. Is it open or a cash bar? You're asking these questions ahead of time. Now, I think a lot of normal people might do this too, because of the way alcohol is expensive these days, but I digress. Where is it positioned? How many bartenders are there? How big is the line reading the room? But the room is the bar. I couldn't tell you what color the bridesmaids dresses were at any of the weddings I went to, I could draw you a map to the bar, and I probably could tell you the name of the bartender too. Five grief over an abandoned drink. The half finished glass someone forgot about at a party was genuinely upsetting to you. It pains you in your soul to see somebody abuse alcohol like that. Normal drinkers leave drinks on purpose, willingly. My wife does this all the time. She doesn't finish. She doesn't finish her drink. She leaves it there, and it blows my mind. If you're going to drink, you've got to go all the way. That's the way my brain works. Six, the morning reconstruction. Waking up and immediately running inventory. What did I say? Who did I text? Where's my phone? Is my car here? Did I drive? Is my car here legally? What do I have to fix? Where do I have to make up? Who do I have to apologize to? What did I do? And you're scared to ask people. You're doing detective work. Detective work on your own night. Most peaceful part of getting sober was waking up already knowing what happened. Yeah, remembering the night. It's one of the greatest gifts in sobriety. Remembering the conversation, the promises I made to people, the plans I made with people. You remember those? If you're a cocaine user at any point in your addiction, you'll relate to this. You remember those random 6 a.m. kitchen talks? random people's houses. how did I get here? You kind of come to doing lines on the kitchen of some random guy's condo. And you're like, who are these people? Why is that guy smoking meth in the corner? Where am I? What's going on here? That happened to me a lot, especially because I used to go to after hours clubs. And I, again, I, you know, there was times where I didn't want to go home. I wanted to use with other people and feel justified in my use. There's something that happens too, when you use or drink around non-normal user drinkers, that makes you feel better. There's a sort of camaraderie that happens when you are using with other addicts or people that might have problems with drugs and alcohol. It just feels better to not feel so shitty about the amount that you're using or drinking. We look for those lower companions, we call them, people that drink the way we drink. I never wanted to drink or use with people that weren't. Problem drinkers or users. I felt judged. I felt different. I felt less than. I felt like they were making fun of me or judging me. There were times in my addiction where people would actually say, you're going to do that much. Holy dude, calm down. It's like 10 o'clock, nine o'clock, seven o'clock, 4pm. The elaborate seven, the elaborate rule book. Only after 5pm, only weekends, only beer, never alone, never before noon. The rules exist because deep down you already know and you break every single one. Yeah. I remember when I was a relapsed on my ADHD medication, I said to myself, I would never take it after 4pm because if I took it after 4pm, I'd be up the whole night. And then there came a point where I was on my way home from work one day. It was a stressful day. And I said, you know what? It's Friday. I'm going to take one after four. And then I ended up at a, after four, I'm going to take one after four. And then I ended up at a, after hours when my wife went to sleep that night, I would sneak out of my house and go to clubs like comfort zone and wiggle room and to be around people that partied so I could feel better about myself. Normal drinkers don't need a constitution to govern their drinking. I had bylaws that I crossed every single time. Eight, the geographic cure. I just need to move. A new city, new job, new relationship. I was convinced the problem stays at the old address. This is like a, it's like a horror movie where when they leave the haunted house, it turns out that this ghost, the spirit, if you will, oh, there's pun intended spirit, alcohol, it follows them. This is what drinking is like. It's like you're haunted by a spirit that follows you around. It doesn't stay with the house. It's coming with you. And it's haunting. It's haunting your kids too, because alcoholism affects the whole family. Turns out wherever you go, there you are. I bring me with me everywhere. If I don't do the deeper work, I'm never going to get sober because I'll have a reason to drink for everything. I can come up with a book of reasons to drink and use drugs when I'm in active addiction, a book, good things, bad things, Friday, Saturdays, Mondays, Tuesdays, rough days, happy days, sad days, I'll justify and rationalize the shit out of any situation so that I can drink and use nine over explaining a totally normal amount. Nobody asked, but you've got a reason prepared for why you're having this one. Ah, long week, just this once. It's a special occasion. And it was a Tuesday. If you're writing a legal defense for a single beer, part of you already rested its case. This also goes to with, uh, if you're searching the internet for, am I an alcoholic or do I have a problem with drinking? Chances are you might have a problem with drinking. If you're, if you're listening to this podcast and maybe you're wrestling with the idea that am I an alcoholic or not? I would say most normal drinkers don't spend time looking to see if they're an alcoholic or addict or not. I think you'll know. And if you don't know, I hope you find out soon because you'll save yourself a lot of pain. Everyone, you hear everyone says, say this, but they wish they came into recovery earlier at a younger age so that they could spare themselves that literal hell. The last 10 years of literal hell that a lot of the older timers and long timers had to face 10 relationships with the supply chain. So the bartender who knew your order, the liquor store guy who genuinely small talk with you would genuinely small talk with, you know, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, loyalty programs of the soul. I had a more consistent relationship with the cashier than with some of my actual family. At one point in my addiction, my only friend was my drug dealer. Full stop. I had no friends. I was hanging out with my drug dealer. He came over and he would use ketamine with me. He never used cocaine, but he would sell me shitty cocaine. Thank God had no fentanyl in it. I was grateful for that, but he was my only friend and we would hang out and he would just use me for spending money on things. And we would go to bars and he would come into my hotel rooms and we would just use. And it, to be honest, it felt better than being alone. But at the same time, it was like, man, I had this realization that I was friends with my drug dealer. And I remember to 2, he would, we would go out places with his friends sometimes, and he would kind of be embarrassed that I was around to the point where he would say, don't tell them that I you're my client. I guess he would say, just say you're my buddy or my cousin, which I thought was weird, but I didn't really care because he took me out places. And I was happy to just be around people sometimes that were using and drinking again. I always just wanted to be around people that were using or drinking as much as me so I could blend in. So I could feel okay about my situation. 1 : In my relapse. I knew in every situation I went into every bar, every time I sat at a bar and talked to somebody, I knew I shouldn't be there. It deepened my, the back of my head. I was like, I shouldn't be here. This, this is, this is not a place where I belong. It, and it isn't, I don't belong in bars and clubs drinking and using. That's not who I am. There's nothing good that happens when I am drinking or using. It is not who I am anymore today. Nothing good comes with that. I thought I was having so much fun having conversations with people, meeting people, being in Toronto, people were coming from out of town and I was meeting people from different parts of the country. I thought it was cool. I thought I was having really interesting conversations. Turns out none of them were interesting. No, I felt cultured. None of it was called. None of it was pretty beautiful. Drinking like a gentleman meeting people. This is fun. I convinced myself. None of it was fun. That's not true. Some of it was fun, but for the most part, by the end of it, I hated myself every single time. And I hated that I had relapsed. I hated that I couldn't get back into recovery. I always say this, but recovery felt like a mountain to climb and it was raining and snowing and booby traps were up the hill. It was such a big leap for me to come back in. And I'm grateful that I made that leap, but it was hard, man. It was hard. It was so hard to come back from relapsing. We laugh at these because they're true. And the reason they're funny is that we all thought we were the only one. I'm here to tell you, you're not alone. I've heard so many inventories and so many guys telling me what they did in their active drinking and using. It's all the same, man. We're all the same. The emotions, the justify justifications, the rationalizations, they may look different. The circumstances may look different, but we are all the same. The remorse and the guilt and the bitterness and the shame. It is all felt by all of us at different points in our drinking. Dr. Justin Marchegiani: None of this made me a bad person. It made me a person with a thing. And every single one of these stopped the day I stopped. So if you're new to recovery or if you've been here for a while and you've been sober for a while and you listened to this episode, thank you. It's nice to remind ourselves that we used to do these crazy things, even if you've been in recovery for a while, because I forget how sad and crazy and insane my behavior was doing the same thing, expecting results. I forget. I forget how desperate I was at times to get sober. And I forget how much I struggled. My brain will tell me, yeah, it wasn't that bad. And then the trigger comes in and say, you know, it wasn't that bad. Don't ever forget. Remember when it got really dark. Remember when you used to do any of these things to stay drunk, to stay medicated, whatever you were escaping, to stay escaped. If no one has told you this yet today, I love you. And remember, recovery is simple. Dr. Justin Marchegiani: Not easy.
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