04 - Decompressing Without Coping Mechanisms

Hello, everybody. Welcome to the real work podcast. Good morning. Happy Monday. Episode four. Welcome to episode four. You're right. It's probably going to be hard for you to keep track of. Yeah, it will be eventually. Okay. Well, before we get started, we wanted to make you aware of a giveaway that we have going on right now. Do you want to give the details? And do you're able to deliver them more eloquently than I am? Yeah, we are doing a giveaway. Two people will and will there's going to be four winners. It'll be a drawing and I love trying to remember all the details. Two winners will win one year in Maggie's membership and then two winners will win a one-to-one coaching call with Maggie. And you can enter the how you enter is you leave a review and you subscribe to the podcast. And to submit your entry, click the link in the show notes. Amazing. We have seen so many reviews and readings come in. And overwhelmingly, you guys are using Spotify to listen to podcasts. Oh, interesting. I still haven't made that shift. Like, I'm subscribed to my own podcast in Spotify. I share it from Spotify often. You know what? Tell me. There's a lot going on on Spotify. Yeah. It's got a lot going on. Wow. Okay. You try to search something and it's like you want to search music, podcasts, and there's all these filters. Too much going on in a little bit. And you know what the other day, my brother sent me a Spotify link in our text message. I clicked it. It opened Spotify and then it said, do you want to chat with John in Spotify? Oh. Like a DM in Spotify with somebody. I'm like, well, that's new. You're doing too much Spotify. And now and they're trying to do short form video clips before video. It is cool that we can upload our video. Yeah. But I also at one point saw people uploading videos in iTunes too. It was weird. I feel like all these apps just end up trying to do too much. And the Apple podcast app does not do that. Yeah. It's it's podcasts. Yeah. You know, kind of appreciate that. Yeah. But that's where you guys are listening. So yeah, when you're doing the review and reading and you guys, a lot of you are sending us or posting comments on the episodes, which we we love reading those. Hey, if you're a Spotify user though, um, open and you have an iPhone, can you do it in your your Apple podcast app too? Yeah. Maybe you listen on Spotify. Just you can copy it and put it in both places if you want to. We'll give you a double, we'll give you a double entry. I honestly, I will. We'll give you a double entry. I will. Don't do double the work, but maybe you post it in two places and appreciate it. Just because that that algorithm on that app is is interesting. It's different. Yeah. It's different. Okay. What else? Anything else? The Dodgers suck right now. Ryan's really he's in a mood today and he says it's not because of baseball, but I don't really believe him. I I think it's because of the lunar eclipse we're having right now. Got it. Okay. Ryan has been hearing a lot about the lunar eclipse and how it applies. And so that's why there's a lot of big feelings right now, but things are real. It could be because they had a no hit or going into the ninth inning last night and they needed to want out to win the game. They were up three nothing and they ended up losing the game. And that's that's big eclipse energy is what I'm trying to say here. I thought to me that is worse. We're speaking the same language. We're speaking that we're saying we have the same message, but we're speaking different languages about it. And if Ryan got a quarter for every time I was like, Ryan, you need to listen to this about the the lunar eclipse. I'm over it. He'd be so rich. And I keep making a joke that I'm going to start reading astrology charts because I'm into it. But let's move on into the podcast this week finally setting into the new podcast setup. A lot of you have made comments about the set. If you have not watched the video, we're cozy. People are like that. It's really dead on with the whole nervous system regulation. And that's exactly what we wanted. We wanted to have cozy conversations. When Maggie told me, you know, I've tried to do this stuff in the past and the only thing she told me is I wanted to feel cozy. Cozy. So I designed this set with that in mind. Well, because I want to have cozy conversations. I know I have the tendency. I'm no BS for sure, but I also know the power of how you can hold if I can hold my regulation. This is when I'm coaching or when I'm podcasting. If I can hold and show up from a regulated space, you can co-regulate with that. You can. You and I can right now and soak in the listeners. And so I wanted this podcast to really be like settle in, make time to intentionally listen. And we were going to talk about the things that that matter and are important. So today we're going to talk about how to unwind in the evening without your coping mechanisms. How to decompress how to decompress because everyone's got long stressful days and they feel the urge to decompress at the end of these days. And that's I feel like that's where a lot of people have issues, right? Yeah, I like that you use the word decompress because it it it insinuates that there's compression happening throughout the day and call it what you will on a recent coaching call. I refer to it as like an instant pot pressure cooker like just things are kind of like building and they have a tendency to overflow in the evening. And so we're going to kind of talk about that. But first we want to just normalize that it's really normal for urges to increase at the end of the day. This could be urges to overeat or just to disconnect or just to numb. However, however you do that and it's normal it's it's it's normal for me to hear like I do good all day like I don't have any of these struggles like and most of the time that's because people are normally busy throughout the day and they're kind of go go go and it's this and then transitioning to something else and then when we get home suddenly it's like the pressure cooker gets to a peak and then it spills over. Well, how common is it for people to decompress at the end of the day with a couple glasses of wine? Yeah, you know, it's automatic. It's made to be sexy too. Yeah, we have stories around our coping mechanisms. I don't think we have super sexy ones around like being on our phone. We're not like, oh, I'm going to but when it comes to scroll some TikTok. Oh, TikTok. No, we don't normally do it around that, but wine, having a drink, having a snack, having a dessert, yeah, just something that's just like and we hype it up. We look forward to it. We funnel our energy into like really being like that's going to give me a release. Even if it's not what we would ideally choose to do, we look forward to it. It's sexy. It's compelling us and it can become very habitual and very automatic. So if you feel like these things are very automatic that they're happening almost without your awareness, that's just due to the automatic nature of them. Just we're running on autopilot and there's a good chance with many of the coping mechanisms we all struggle with. It's just habitual. Habitual and/or sexy. Why do you compress without anything? How do I raw dog it? Well, that sounds bad. I mean, that sounds really terrible. Yeah. But you have to remember that the fatigue of the day is going to kind of lower the willpower that you have at the end of the day. You're making all these decisions all night. I mean, all day and you just are more tired in the night. So the thought of like having to like show up to your urges at night and to like have that willpower and make a different choice is inherently already going to be a block. It's not going to be something that's simple because you're already fatigue. So that's another reason why you can expect that in the evenings it's going to rise up. But we can get caught in trying to solve for again, like we talked about last week. The the thing that it's manifesting us, like I need to stop drinking. I need to you know, I need to learn how to do this less or learn how to do this more, you know, on-purpose or whatever. And that can be a distraction. So yeah, and your brain is going to be craving quick hits. So it's going to go for like the easiest, lowest hanging fruit that it can. And so the most common that I see is people reaching for their phone, people reaching for food, people reaching for alcohol. Very easy dopamine hit release. It releases the valve instantly. It really has your short-term relief as the primary focus. Not long-term goals. Short-term relief. Feel better ASAP. What can I grab? Do eat. That's going to make me feel better as soon as possible. So instead of resisting that when it comes up because that's what people commonly do, I coach women a lot on their reaction to these desires to do these things because there's a lot wrapped up and a lot invested in. They're so frustrated that they want to have a drink. They're so frustrated that they're once again standing in front of the pantry, like they're frustrated with that. And so it brings with it a lot of resistance and kind of clenching your hands and being like, you know better, you don't want to do this, don't do this, don't eat this, don't, we already decided we don't want to do this. And that's a lot of resistance. And we're going to encourage you to kind of take a reverse approach to that, which is kind of a combination of both accepting and allowing this stuff to be here. And giving yourself a little bit of a break and a pause before you need your reinforce, which is what most of us are doing. You're living the same day over and over and over and over. And I would not be surprised to hear that the way you ended last Tuesday is the same way you're going to end this Tuesday because it's just what you do. There's a lot of uncomfortable tension in your body and you're asking me to put space there when it's just like feeling this discomfort. Is there any way to get really from that while I'm making space? I think you have to make space for the discomfort initially, which again, I've been really straightforward that a lot of the topics that we'll be talking about on this podcast are going, you're going to have some resistance to them because ultimately if you're listening to this podcast chances are you really want to feel better. And so anytime when you're not feeling good and you're feeling that resistance in your body and things which I you're like, how do I make this stop? How do I make this stop? What do I got to do? What do I need to write down? What do I need to complete today so that this goes away? And that even starting from that place is problematic because the resistance to being with that, being with the tension in your body and the the tightness and the overwhelm is what is already causing you to lean on coping mechanisms. So like you, the options are, I have this feeling in my body, am I going to act on it or am I going to be with it? And am I willing to be with it knowing that if I practice being with it, it's going to bother me less and less until it is something that is like a passing thought. It's a passing suggestion for my brain realm. Oh yeah. Okay, I see that you're suggesting that I'm not going to do that and we move on. So it's, it really is acknowledging like this is what my body is doing right now. This is what my brain is wanting right now. Let's just pause and be with that for a little bit so that you can get better at allowing those urges and those sensations and that discomfort to be there because your resistance to all that stuff makes it worse. Your resistance to the resistance 10x as the resistance. So whatever it is that you that you aren't liking, you fighting against that or trying to fix it is what's actually locking it in place. So we have to kind of reframe that decompression. Like what do you think it is the goal that people have to decompress? Like what is, how would you define what that even means? Relief. Relief. And so when I talk to clients, they're of course we question things like what would actually bring you relief because your brain is making suggestions for things that don't work. They aren't long-lasting. They have effects. They have consequences that we're not happy with but all we're looking for is relief. And so and we've already addressed the fact that the number one thing you're going to want to do is be willing to be with whatever is there and use it as information because if you're wanting relief there are kind of two ways we can go. In what ways can you create the actual relief that you're looking for? In the night, really feeling like you can unwind, that you can relax, that you can breathe. And then the other question is what's going on during your day that's compressing, that requires such a decompress at night? And I have found there are multiple ways to answer this question. It could be that there's literally something in your life that needs to change. That is the case. A lot of the time, not all of the time. The other thing that I see is that you're exhausting and burning through all of your energy because you're constantly overthinking and overwearing and overstressing about everything in your life. And when you're doing that, you are coming home so fried that it's really hard when you're at that state of being so hyper-vigilant, overstimulated, call it whatever you want. And to be able to be like, oh, let me have some space. Let me feel into this because we're responsible for our reaction in the evening, for sure. But we're also responsible for how we manage and navigate our day-to-day life. If you spend your day-to-day life getting angry all the time or getting frustrated or being anxious about everything, that is a use of our energy. And I think it's a pretty significant use of that energy. And so don't get caught in the trap of trying to solve the problem that you see. Figure out what is this actually telling me. Do I literally need an activity at night that helps me unwind? Is that what it is? Do I need to hear some things that have come up recently with clients? Is like some people I work with, they get off of work and they are fried. Just absolutely fried. And then they get in their car and they start an audiobook or a podcast. And then they get home and they're still fried. And I'm like, you had 20, 30, 45 minutes to get home. You had a chance to have some quiet time and to be able to decompress on your right home before you get home to your kids. But you used it to continue stimulation. And I want to normalize that that's also very normal because you're used to running on such a high level all day that to do anything opposite of that actually feels pretty uncomfortable when you first started. You got to fill the space? Yeah, you have to fill the space and the question is why. And then we're like, I'm so overstimulated. And it's like, yeah. But why? And we're contributing to our overstimulation way more than the world is. Because when I want to have a quiet life and I use that app to lock up my social media and stuff, like I feel so disconnected from the world in the most beautiful, freeing, peaceful, relaxing way, that that was something that really helped me realize how overstimulating I was to myself. And that taking in information and hearing noise, not all the time, but a lot of the time is our own choosing. And so we'll be in this house with kids who are running and screaming and jumping and thuds on the ground. And then we'll be trying to watch a show and trying to work. We're never giving our our nervous systems a chance to reset. We will. The only chance that we're giving it to reset is when we go to bed at night. Yes. And even that. And then a lot of us can't sleep. So it's not getting it. But the resistance there is that that doesn't feel good to your nervous system to be quiet and to rest. That's a very foreign for all of us. I'm realizing more and more people I talk to are like, I did not know. Like I run on frantic. I didn't even know because I'm just so used and just running through the kitchen and just everything we do is super duper fast and it's familiar. Yeah. And so the question is, what are you decompressing from? Because life can be stressful. Some people are in very high pressure jobs, very high pressure situations. Situation that aren't necessarily able to be changed right now. And then other people are used to running at level 12. And they are, and I am one of these people. I've had to actually make different choices. They are constantly feeling filling every moment with input and information and absorbing. And this book to that book to this podcast. I love you guys, but like you binge my podcast too. You know, it's like I lie less than all of it. And I want to know like, what did you learn? What did you take away from it? What did we? That kind of stuff. I encourage people and we'll get into this deeper and other podcasts. But to be intentional with your with your input and to be curious about your current patterns and habits around stimulation. And to also make you aware that rest and breaks and silence and space are not going to feel good right at the beginning. To me, it was not good. It was not like, oh wow, it was like kind of shocking how uncomfortable it was. And like I felt, I kept noticing myself wanting to speed up and being like, whoa, this is such a default. But yeah, I just wanted to explore a little bit deeper. Even the word decompress assumes that as the day goes on, you're getting more and more compressed. Why? What's the pressure? What's the push? What's how? Why are you getting squeezed? That at night, you're just like, oh, I'm going to have a couple drinks. Oh, okay. And we go to bed and we do it again the next day. So, um, yeah, the intentional transition is a big thing that like when we're talking specifically about in what ways can you decompress? Can you unwind? I recommend if you're able to to give yourself a little bit of space, whether that's your drive home, whether it's right when you get home, what can you do to just take a little bit of time to kind of like land back in your body? Because there's a really good chance that for most of the day, you've been really just going at it from a cognitive level, making decisions, focusing on things, solving problems, fix it mode. I mean, especially if you're working, it's like, that is the mode that we're in and then we get home and we're so surprised that we're so heady and so just like, oh, okay. Oh, okay. I'll slow down because we're not even here. And so, yes, I think the world is so saturated with weird little things that might help someone and might help might not help someone else breathing exercises, grounding exercises, calming exercises. All those things exist. I see people use them in the wrong way. The less helpful way, which is like trying to fix how they feel, but I do recommend anything that you can do for 10 minutes. That's just like, okay, let's let's land me back here. Even if it's just walking outside, putting your feet in the grass, taking 10 minutes to take a bath or a shower, just something that kind of says, hey, we're transitioning here. I need you to come back because if you keep running off of the compression, then you're going to be reaching for something that helps you to decompress. So like 10 minutes of a reset then? That's what I recommend. I mean, this is this funny because most people would be like, well, I can't because I know as soon as I get home, I got to start with my dinner for my kids and I got a, you only you know if that's true. Only you know if you literally don't have the ability to do it. And then if you don't, you're going to need to learn to regulate a little bit on the go. I understand those situations exist. I've also found that that's like a really small minority of like, I don't have the ability to take time to just breathe and to transition and to say, hey, I also was thinking about, you know, just more, when I, you'll hear me use the word intentional a lot, probably a lot more than you want to. But when I say intentional, I just mean a decision has been made about this on purpose with the higher part of my brain. It's intentional to me means non-reactive. It doesn't mean I just decided this. It means that I'm doing this on purpose. And I think you can do that with food. You can do that with alcohol. You can do that with your phone. But you have to decide what relationship do you want to have to those things? And if you're never being intentional with how you want to use those things, for example, like I'm really looking forward to this dessert that I'm having or like, I'm going to give myself 30 minutes to just scroll on TikTok to my heart's desire. But we're not doing it in reaction to a shitty overwhelming day. We're doing it because we're like, yeah, maybe you do want to unwind with TikTok. That's very different than doom scrolling for four hours. Those are two different things. I'm not going to demonize food. I'm not going to demonize alcohol. I'm not going to demonize social media. For a lot of people, those things will be included in their life to some extent. And for a lot of people, they are using those things in ways that are the far out of the bounds of the way they want to be using them. That's the energy behind it. It's always, always going to be the energy behind it. And the intentional choosing means you're back in charge. And I don't mean that in an over-controlling way. I mean like, no, I remember Dr. Joe talking about like your phone. And like when you get sucked back into that, and he's like, what that means is your phone owns you. Or when you give all of your energy to wait for the people you hate and you're talking shit on them all the time, those people own you. Do you know why? Do you know why the phone owns you? Do you know why the food owns you? Because you have chosen to give your energy to it. That's why. So it owns you. We need to take our energy back and say, I'm in charge of how I use this thing. I'm in charge of how I use food. I'm in charge of how I use this fucking device that's on me at all times. And that's how we gain back sovereignty in our own life. And we're not constantly living in reaction and distraction to our surroundings. But that's a decision that you have to make. That is one way that you have to show up and be like, I'm going to be actively taking a role in my reality, a role in how I want to live and how I want to feel. So there isn't, you know, when you're numbing, that's not rest. It keeps your mind very busy and very distracted. And I really recommend finding ways that you actually downshift, that you actually rest because you can look a lot like you're resting when you're in your bed under your covers, on your pillow, swiping. That can look like, and maybe even feel like, well, I'm horizontal. But if it's just keeping your mind really busy and you're looping and you're, there are other things that you might want to do that you're not doing. People you'd like to pay attention to, you're not paying attention to. That shows us that that thing is kind of owning you instead of you owning that thing. And there may be some decisions that need to be made along with being okay with the fact that it's okay if you feel overstimulated at night. Imagine if you had a conversation, it was like, yeah, work was crazy today. It totally makes sense why I feel totally wired right now. I feel absolutely wired, but having a drink isn't going to help that. I mean, your brain may be like, yes, well, it's going to, you know, but no, I want to have the ability to be like, I did have a really stressful day. And a lot of it did feel and or was out of my control. What do I need for support right now? It's not about fixing, it's not about making the feeling go away. How does your body need support? And that's a new conversation that most of us have not are not familiar with having with our body, like really asking yourself, not what will make this go away, but what do I actually need right now? What do I truly need? The answer is really going to be overscrolling, overeating, over drinking, distracting, dissociating, numbing. That's just going to be your default autopilot if you don't have another plan in place for how you're going to handle the fact that yeah, when you get home from work, you're overstimulated. Yeah, after dinner time, after getting these kids homework done and everyone fed and all the dishes done, you just feel like I just want something quick to make me feel better. And in that moment, that's where I want you to pause and say, this day has been crazy. That's okay. I'm going to have crazy days. What do I actually need right now? What would really truly make me decompress? What would help me get this thing that my brain is making suggestions, not good suggestions yet. What could I actually give myself right now? And I don't, I'm not going to give you guys a big long list of things to choose from because this is kind of like an experiential type of thing. Like you have to figure out what works for you. Play around with different things. Try to identify things in the past that really helped you unwind. It's normal to feel like you have no idea where to even begin with that. And that's why my invitation is to begin with just being like, it's okay that this is here. I don't need to go jump into action to make it go away. Coping mechanisms are just so easy. Yeah, short term. The short term, very, it's just so easy to reach for a drink or food or your phone. And I guess then the question is, what's the cost? Yeah. And another question, is it worth it? Because I don't know if you guys have ever noticed this, but unless you have some type of addiction or something like that, that makes it glaringly apparent that there's a problem, nobody is coming to take your coping mechanisms away from you. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. The only person that is going to care about it is going to be you. No one's going to be like, aren't you sure on your phone a lot? I mean, unless your spouse wants to mess with you because that's going to happen maybe. But nobody cares. There isn't a big cost to any of these things. I like to see it again. It's just information. What's it telling me? Is it telling me I need to make a change? Is it telling me I need a new perspective? Is it telling me I need to be more willing to be with what is what is it telling me? But when the default is just like, it's just so easy. Yeah, it's easy to get you through the end of this day. It's not easy when those days, weeks, and years start stacking up and you feel completely powerless to an app on your phone or to a specific type of food that I sugar in it or to alcohol or to anything that people use. It's just it's just another level to live at. And then you get to decide if this is the level of life and consciousness I want to exist in. The one where I work a job, I don't really like that really stresses me out. And then when I get home, I need to decompress from that. And then I have to do something to help me go to sleep. Then I wake up and I do that again and again and again. That's one way of doing things. But if you're listening to this podcast, you probably have some type of sense that something needs to change. So use these things as a way to drive that change forward. And I also recommend not buying into the story of like, this is just so easy because it's just a lie that you tell yourself, is it easy and accessible? Yeah, for sure. But is there a price for it? Yeah, there is. And so short term easy, yes, long term, painful. And a roading of self-trust. There's a price. There's a price that pays in that price compounds over time as well. So we got to just stop going for what's easy in the moment. And we don't grow that way either. It's just a way to kind of like stay small. And it's worth the work to know that you can overcome that. But we were going to have to go deeper than just put some time limits on my phone. Yeah, go take some deep breaths for 10 minutes. Yeah, and there's just so many band-aids out there of it. It's like it's not like these things don't help. They do. Meditating helps me a lot. It totally does. Yeah. It's just I have found that the more you do something with any intention that you need to fix the mood that you're in or you need to fix how you're feeling, that is just indicative of resistance. And saying, this is too much. What I'm feeling right now, this is too much for me. I can't be with this. So I need to go do something to make it go away. And as long as that's the driver, you're forever going to be fighting your emotions. Because you're showing your brain that emotions are things that need to be fixed and changed. And that the only emotions that you're willing to accept are joy and happiness. But you'll find that you'll spend very little time even in those emotions when all your focuses on making the bad emotions go away. We have to be really open and willing to experience the whole spectrum of the human experience. And that includes some days where we're just like, damn, I'm just really short views today. I'm just not feeling it. But it'll pass like it always does. I have those days all the time. Yeah. And every not every day. But yeah. And the more focus that gets placed on those, the more it just perpetuates it. It's like, imagine who you could be if one of those things came up, you're like, oh, whatever. It's going to pass instead of being like, what's going on? Why is this happening? Oh gosh, I don't feel a good man. I really don't feel this is not how I like to feel like that's what we do with our emotional state. We are only willing to accept the good emotions. And we make our, imagine if we give the same amount of attention to our good emotions that we, we don't we don't do that. But imagine if you were happy and you were like, putting all this focus on how you were happy and trying to figure out why am I, we don't do that. We're just like, cool, I feel good today. But when the bad emotions come, we're like, oh my god, I need. It's just we were meant to feel all of it because you wouldn't know the good from the bad if you didn't have the bad sometimes, but stop giving so much power to the bad. It's going to pass. Just like the good is going to pass too. So no that no matter what happens when you get home at the end of the day, that's going to pass too. It might just pass because you go to sleep and the daily sets, but it's going to pass. And the less you spend obsessing over, why do I want to do this? Why do why can't I stop doing this all that stuff? You're just pouring more attention into it. Allow whatever is there to be there. Ask yourself if something during your normal life needs to change or ask yourself if there's just something going on at night that they're, what is a better way for me to meet this need that I'm having? How do I decompress? How do I relax? How do I exhale? I feel like the more accepting of what is you become and the more you are able to handle it and the more like the stress comes down or the over stimulation naturally just comes down because if you're accepting. Yes, you just become more resilient. And I love the word resilience. I love what it means because it doesn't mean you overcame everything. It means no matter what comes, I can handle it. I trust my ability to handle it. That's what they say. What is not what they say about anxieties? You overestimate the problem and you underestimate your ability to deal with it. That's what it is. This thing could happen. And if it does, I'm not going to be able to handle it. That's what anxiety is. And so the way I see resilience is I can handle it. I can handle this. I can handle being frustrated. I can handle a strong desire to eat. I can handle that. But you have to show your brain that. And you have to show your brain that over and over and over again. And that's the work that most people are unwilling to do. I was just on a call and I asked her how many times she had practiced like kind of opening up and working with these urges that she was having and she's like about 30 times. And I was like, okay, I'm just make a guesstimate to how many times you reinforce the old pattern of I feel this urge and I eat or I feel this urge and I grab my phone and she's like with thousands. I'm like, yeah, thousands. And you want to give me 30 times and be like, I don't know. I try to, I tried like this whole acceptance thing. Like the goal is to get to a place more and more where you truly just don't care. And I mean like you see it and you're like, I hear you. I don't care. It's these suggestions from our brain. We take so seriously. And when we stop doing that, it can make whatever recommendation it wants, but you're the one in charge. All right. All right. I feel like we've settled we need to say. All right. All right guys. See you guys next week. Yeah.